Raw

What If..

3/31/18, 9:09 am

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Here I am again.

Seated on the bridge railing.

About to kill myself.

The water below is pretty strong. At day time, you'd notice how the water is brown. But right now, it's the middle of the night, and the water's black.

At this time, almost everyone is asleep.

I managed to get out of the house only waking up the dog. The dog seemed to smile at me, its sleepy eyes looking at me.

" Where are you going? "

I smiled back at him. It was a sad smile.

" I'm going somewhere only few people dare to go. And sometimes, they don't come back. "

The dog seemed to understand. He suddenly looked scared. Maybe even worried.

" Are you coming back? "

I paused for a while. This was making me emotional. I took a deep breath.

" Just don't follow me, okay? Stay here. They need you more than I do. "

The dog yepled, as if begging me not to go. I just hugged him tightly, kissed his head and patted his head one last time. Afterwards, I slowly stood up and left the house.

Now, back to reality.

The current at this time is very strong. If I landed on the water, I'd immediately die, maybe.

All I'm feeling right now is black.
Black. All the bad feelings in one place.

My thoughts are pretty much on mute at this point. And plus, they're basically screaming into my ear.

" Do it! "
" What are you waiting for? "
" No one needs you! "
" You're a disappointment. "
" Get on with it! "
" Selfish piece of shit! "

Those are just a few of the things they're saying at that moment.

I closed my eyes, letting the tears fall down.

" I should die. No one needs me. All I do is hurt people. They'll be happier without me; when I'm gone. "

These are my current thoughts as I tart to loosen my grip on the railing.

Yes, I know I let all the shit that's happened and all the goddamn voices in my head get to me. But I can't help but wonder...

Ain't it true?

I looked at the dark water again.
I took a deep breath, and started slowly pushing myself off.

...

But then, I stopped.

I tried to think.
Think as hard as I can.

" What about my friends? "

I tightened my grip.

" What would happen to them? Would this hurt them? Should I even do it? "

My breathing started to go faster.
I stare blankly at the water.

" What about her? What would happen to her? "

I kinda stopped breathing.
More tears started to fall.

I'm a mess.
A fucking big mess.
I feel so broken.
I feel so down.
I feel so...dead.
Breathing...but dead.
Alive...but dead.

I stayed like that for almost an hour, with thoughts like that swirling my head.

I heaved a deep sigh, and let out a whisper.

" I should go back. "

I slowly got off the railing and walked back to the house, looking and moving like a zombie.

~

But what if I really did it?

What if...

I really...

Jumped?

Would all the shit end?

Would it be worth it?

....

Hays.

There are more important things in life than this.
Either way, even if shit happens,

I'll still choose the people I care about over this any day.

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Based on a true event.