Thirty Days Without Grace.

Chapter One.

I sit above the entrance of the gate, looking at my now muddy sneakers. Where Could He Be? I must look vulnerable, a small, wide eyed female; staring at my phone, earbuds in my ears during the time even crickets are asleep, the world is asleep; here it's peaceful but I can't help but feel for the people across the world, if they ever get to hear the peaceful quiet....

"You like it up there?" A familiar voice catches my attention, I peer down, meeting its gaze.

"The world seems prettier from the sky." I respond gently, a gentle, tired laugh escapes his lips as he grabs a branch, meeting me at my perch. I pull my legs to my chest crossing my ankles, and I wrap my arms around them.

"I miss you." I sigh lightly. "You aren't around much anymore." His eyes meet mine.

"That's not my fault." His voice says roughly."I have a job, I have a life outside of you."

"I know." I respond, rubbing my arm. "I want to be part of your life, I don't want to be your whole life; I just want to be a person in your life." I say gently.

"I'm with you a lot of the time." He growls, I place my forehead into my hands.

"We haven't been around outside of school, i'm scared I will only be able to be around you when we have class."

"So?" He heaves.

"So I want to be wanted, I want to be loved." I squeak, tears hiding on my cheek. "I just wanted to feel loved."

"You think I don't love you." He mutters.

"I think it's hard to tell." I hesitate to say anything else. "I'm sorry, it's my anxiety... I question everything..."

"Bullshit." He says harshly, "Stop blaming everything on that." Now, my vision is blurry and I can feel the warmth of my tears wanting to peel down my cheek.

"I've got to go..." I whisper, turning to leave.

"Wait." His voice drops down. "Please don't go." And so I don't, I sit on my butt, distancing myself from him.

"Don't do that baby, come here." He says gently, too gently; sorrowful. I hug myself, mainly for comfort and warmth; not responding. His arms wrap around me, pulling my body to his, gently pushing my hair behind my ear, I am met with a whisper.

"Remember the day we met." He coos, "We were both so young, I begged my parents to play basketball, and allow me to go to the camp... I wanted to be like Lebron James; then I saw you." He pulls my hair back gently.

"The girl with dirty blond hair and blue eyes... The girl that tried so hard to be good at basketball, missing nearly all the shots she took. The girl that tied her hair back in a ponytail, and got frustrated when it broke. And then I wanted something else... I didn't want to be Lebron James without her. I was at a dark moment in my life where my parents were divorcing, and the girl that missed every shot, yet was so focused and driven... She spent time with me on the bench trying to comfort me, and shared her grapes with me when I had no snack." I press my chin to his chest hugging him, I wish it'd be that simple. I wish love would be sharing grapes and oranges; but I guess that's not how it goes, or everyone would love each other as I do him.

"Yeah..." I whisper, letting my words linger "Can I ask you a question?" I sigh slightly.

"Sure." He replies carefully.

"What do you like about me?" I keep my voice hushed, careful not to disturb the other members of the park; and his voice laughs softly.

"Why?" He sighs.

"Because i'm curious, and i'd like to know." I reply, his grin straightens out gradually and I sit there; we sit quietly for what seems like minutes but perhaps is only a second.

"I like your smile." he replies.

"What else?" My pulse quickens, that took a long time to say.

"Why does that matter Grace, all that matters is I love you." he sighs.

"It matters to me because I want to know if you mean it; I love you is so easy to say, but unless you mean it, the words mean nothing." My voice is small and frail, if I raise it i'm afraid it may crack.

"You don't believe me?" His voice becomes more assertive.

"I do, but it's nice to be reminded." I heave.

“Why do you mean reminded?” He asks gently. “I’ve told you a million times.” My breath quickens, trying to keep to the rhythm of my heart. Constant. Trying to hold tears back from him.

“It doesn’t matter…” I say finally, “What would you do if I was gone?” I whisper, watching his eyebrows furl.

“Do you mean like dead, or missing?” He asks.

“Either one.” I respond, “I just disappeared. What would you do?”

“I would call the police, and worry like hell; probably be a mess.” He plays with a twig on the rooftop, drawing circles in the shingles.

“Oh.” I say gently, he must catch the sadness in my tone.

“What the hell Grace, you act like you think I don’t care.” His voice shakes.

“Well, well maybe sometimes I feel like you don’t care…” Tears flood from my eyes now, so much for trying to stay strong. His eyes widen, and he uncrosses his legs.

“Goodbye.” He shouts at me, no empathy, almost like I got in his way; he turns to jump down.

“I Love You.” I whisper, I want him to hear me.

“Don’t talk to me.” he yells, “You don’t believe me then don’t talk to me.”

“I do love you.” I say in a harsher tone.

“Yeah whatever.” He mutters, trudging away; again I’m back with my thoughts. My thoughts are lonely and deceptive, leading me to believe that they are comforting. I lay gently on my back staring up at the sky, I wish I could know what currently is running through his brain. I wish I could be a better girlfriend, or even friend. I wish I was like the stars, free to move where I want. Leave when I want, it’s a lonely but adventurous story.

My eyes flutter to the pavement, to the road. It’s getting later in the morning; I should go home, but something keeps stopping me. It’s too simple, too strategized. I go home, and become part of an everyday routine again. Wake, eat, learn, sleep, repeat. It’s tiring. Why can’t I be like the heros in the books I read? Why can’t I change the world… I long to be strong, victorious, and passionately, against the capital. Or survive something nobody thought would be possible.

My feet pad against the ground as I jump down. Dylan is long gone, probably curled under blankets sleeping. Why won’t he answer my question? Why did he get upset with me because of it? Am I that bad of a human? My sneakers tap against the ground lightly, anyone who was up at this hour and cared to pay attention could hear it if they wanted to. Maybe they would think I am a college sorority sister that is coming home from a party. Normally nobody’s out this late, and at least for minors the city curfew is twelve. Regardless, i’ve past off being older than the legal age; the police don’t seem bothered by it unless I was hurting something. Normally, teenagers explore abandoned places and ruin them. Spray painting, miscellaneous things on the walls, and breaking windows. Now I do break into abandoned places, but I preserve them, something about them is almost mystical. Dylan used to go with me when we got to high school, after that we got to the point that we weren’t talking, so we stopped going on our “dates” exploring. I miss that, I miss our adventures. My eyes wander around, i’m not sure what I’m searching for but i’m going to find it. I walk another block, my stomach begins to get butterflies again. My eyes skip around, finally landing on the road beside me, and I stop. I guess this was my metaphor, to continue to go forward, go back, stay put, or choose a new road….. I knew what my choice was, it almost seemed like it wasn’t my choice…. I hit the ground running.