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Calm Before the Storm

I exhaled a sigh of weary relief as I positioned myself for a day of hanging out at my favorite spot. I have always loved sitting outside and reminiscing about my past, where it has taken me and where I am going. There would be a storm later tonight, the grey in the distant skies showed no doubt in that. When we get a lot of rain it usually makes the roads muddy and nearly impossible to navigate. Father would struggle to come home from work but I needed to talk to him desperately before the night was through. Time was running out but he needed to make it home.

The small brown cabin has stood on the corner of town for most of my life. My mom and dad built it here seventeen years ago when I was just a few months old. While it may not have been the prettiest or strongest built structure in the area it kept our family safe and warm. There is a tall white oak tree in the backyard looking down over a steep hill with an old tire swing tied to its branches. Sitting there, under that tree, my father and I would read until the sun set behind the distant hills to the west. Often we would bring picnic food and stay there all day. It has seen countless memories that have pulled us close. The tree has seen me at both my best and worst. From the day I took my first steps through the soft grass underfoot, to the day we buried the family cat beside it, good times and bad it has seen them all. This place, this singular spot in all and space and time is home, right here with my family.

We all have a group of people who love and support us through all obstacles in life. They come in all shapes and sizes and not all are related by blood. Some people aren't as lucky as me. I grew up with a mom and a dad who mean the world to me and a twin sister named Joy. Hope and Joy, always inseparable. We were sisters and best friends all wrapped up in one. My family may not be large but they care more than anyone would think possible. There is nothing stronger than that kind of love.

There are two very different kinds of love in our world. Familial love which can only come from blood and life long relationships and romantic love. Unfortunately for me I can never get the second one quite right. I keep thinking I love someone and try to pursue just to be pushed back from one side or another. Either I'm not pretty enough, or too young, too emotional, too rough, why can't anyone just see me and love me, faults included. One day I fell in love with a man who had the greenest eyes I had ever seen. He was kind and genuine, pursuing the best for himself, which I was not. He said that I act too much like a boy, that I was more like a brother than a girl he would want to date. The next few months I cried, I starved myself, I changed my hair and clothes. Anything to make sure I looked like the woman he wanted to be with. When he turned me down again, I swore to never love another man. Since then I half heartedly have been looking for a woman to love despite many protests.Why does trying to find someone to spend my life with have to be so much work. I didn't think I had that many problems.

The last time I spoke to my twin I was complaining about all my problems. Little did I know she had some of her own. We were walking home from the little school building in town. I was caught up on boys and my studies, constantly jealous about how easy her life was. She was the kind of girl who could win a beauty pageant that she wasn't even entered in, With her porcelain skin and chestnut hair everything about her was flawless. If only I had known that day would be her last, maybe she would have not gone to the river and hit her head falling.

The rain begins falling around me as I snap back to reality once more. The cool liquid never felt more real than in this moment of clarity. The realization that when this moment is over time will still move on. The rain will still fall the sun will still rise in the east tomorrow. Nothing will change because of these thoughts and feelings that are overwhelming me in this chunk of eternity.When the rooster calls tomorrow morning my family will still be experiencing life through the pain.

The only pain worse than losing a sibling, losing a twin. I can still see the pale lifeless face of Joy. She was completely devoid of her namesake and took all of ours with her. When they pulled her out of the river that day everything changed. Mother never smiled anymore. Father became stern, always forcing me to live up to her standards. He always tried to make me into her, like he was trying to make sure I was the one floating down the river instead of his precious Joy. She was always daddy's little girl. I miss her too, she was my best friend and partner in crime. Too bad we all lost her to the darkness.

My mind went into a perpetual state of darkness when Joy died. Things that always brought me pleasure became chores. If the world were made of fire I'd still be cold as ice to everyone and everything around me. Nothing could replace her in our lives. Mundane tasks became unbearable as usually we would work through tough tasks together. Even when the green eyed man came by to give his condolences I couldn't bare to even lift my head in greeting. Tension began to build between my parents, towards each other and towards me. They needed me to step up and be their new Joy but I just couldn't. I had lost my other half and with her went my freedom.

All I have ever asked for is the freedom to live my life the way I wanted to. Yes, Joy was a vital member to our family but we are not one in the same. I crave the freedom to travel and learn, to experience new cultures and places from the people who live there. Now I'm stuck here, waiting. Tied to my home, this hill, my family. There is no freedom waiting for me. Just the prison chains embedded in a wedding ring. I won't do it, I will not be the good little girl they want me to be. I'm done with this and refuse to look back. I've made my decision and must live with the consequences. I cannot remain silent.

The wind grows silent for a split second as I exhale from the vigor of my enraged thoughts. I watch as my father walks up the hill behind our home in search of me. He has always warned that I will get sick if I get caught out in the rain. As he bridges the crest of the hill the rain begins to pour from the sky. Thunder claps in the distance drowning out his cries as he finally realized why I hadn't come inside. He falls on his knees at the base of the tree not caring about the mud pooling around his legs. Tears begin to form and his eyes become puffy and red. As salty tears and snot join the rain on the ground I will myself over to him and imagine myself giving him a comforting hug, wrapping my arms against his warm chest. Seeing his face is both painful and comforting as I realize what I have done to him. He may not know what to do now but this is not the first time he's witnessed a family member's death.

My body gently swings from the tree lifeless and limp. The rope digging into my neck does a poor job at hiding the dark grey burns they left behind. My father screams as he clings to my dangling corpse. The wind blows caressing the two of as as I whisper my final goodbye to the only person who would cry about this day. He cannot hear it. To him, my soul was already long gone from my body. I had been a corpse waiting for him to come home from work since high noon, my soul reflecting on the days I left behind. The memories of this life grow faint as the countdown to my next adventure draws to an end.The joy and pain of the past lingering far after my departure. Now both their Joy and their Hope is gone. My greatest achievement in life is death. Too bad nobody else will see it that way.