Without you

Preface

9 years ago

Ireland. Lindsey, 15 years old

I close my eyes as I let the sun's rays cover my face. It's a calm day, a real one. That's the good thing about living here. You can breathe fresh air and just relax.

If I talk about the people... Most of them are nice, they can make you laugh, help you when you need it or just smile at you with no reason. That's the good people; on the other hand, there are some that can be a pain in the ass. Like my mom's friends, they just care about the appearance, they just want to look pretty. They're beautiful, but that's only the outside but inside, they can be your worst nightmare. My mom it's just like them and I have to deal with her all the time. Amazing, right?

I sigh and open my eyes slowly. The first thing I see is the old swing that hang from that big oak tree on my yard. I smile. I remember having fun with my friends when I was a child but now, I only use it when I want to be alone and think about some issues.

I take the book I was reading and decide to start again. Pride and prejudice by Jane Austen. So romantic and so funny, that's why is one of my favorite books.  

There's nothing but silence except for some birds and the noise of some cars.

So this is good for start my lecture.

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

I can only read that iconic first quote because I'm interrupted by some noisy voices.

Oh really? This has to be a joke.
I was so good.

I hear those voices again. Where are them from?

Wait. Today is Friday. Oh shit. I forgot today was my dad's welcome party, how I could?

I haven't seen my dad for three long months and I can't wait to see him, hug him and talk about how he was and the things that have happened when he was gone; but then I remember that he'll have to leave again, just like always. I learn to live with that since I was a child, but that doesn't mean that I did not need my dad. That's why I always try to enjoy every second he's with me.

But to be honest, I never liked when he leaves for a long time. I always get nervous. Neither my mom or me know what is happening with him when he's gone. And all because he's part of Ireland's army. I know he's doing it to help people but he risks his life and that scares me.

I sigh. I don't want to think about it. I stand up and decide to leave my peace to go to that party. My dad could arrive at any time and I want to be there.

When I enter, I see every person in this room laughing so loud and talking about how perfect are their lives. How fake is that? Most of these people can be suffering inside but will always say they're good. That's how life works right?

Well, I can't judge them because I do it too. As right now, I'm showing my best smile to everyone and telling how glad I'm to see them, when all I want is to be only with my family.

-Lindsey, what are you doing dressed like that? - My mom looks at me with a big frown on her face. What is she talking about? I look at my clothes: a grey blouse, a black skirt with some flowers and my comfy shoes. I look good with this. It's casual but pretty, like me. I don't know why she is mad.

-I'm well dressed mom - she crosses her arms and gives me that look that means "you are wrong". Yeah, my mom always thinks she has reason, I hate that

-I bought you a dress for today. I told you to wear it but like always you don't obey me - I forced myself to not roll my eyes because that will get her more mad. But when I was going to answer her, a knock on the door makes us and everyone in the room stay in silent. We hear that knock again and my mom and I smile at each other -It's your dad

My mom approaches the door and I see everyone hiding behind the curtains, doors, etc.

Oh, yeah, it's a 'surprise'.

But I don't care about that, all I want is see him. When my mom opens the door, my heart starts to beat faster and faster. Finally I'm gonna to see him.

But a few minutes pass and no one comes in. Maybe it's not my dad but why my mom is still there? And then I hear my mom's cries

-No! That can't be real!

I instantly approach my mom to hug her from behind. I see an old man at the door, dressed all in black with a sad look. I never have seen him before.

-Who are you? Where is my dad? What is happening? - my mom turns around and hugs me tightly. She's still crying and doesn't say a word about what's going on. And that makes me more nervous.

-I'm sorry, miss Cyr, but as I told your mom... - he stays quiet for a while until he finally talks again -Sorry but your dad died

He keeps talking but I don't hear him anymore. In that moment, I feel like everything falls below me.

This can't be happening. This has to be a nightmare. Not him. Not my dad. He can't be gone. He can't leave us. No.

The tears fall down my cheeks uncontrollably and all I can do is hug my mother. I can't even move.

I knew it was a bad idea to let him go, but he always promised he would come back to us. But he didn't.

And I lost him.

I'll never see him again.

I have a terrible pain on my heart. It's like a part of it is gone.

Some people approach us to give us their condolences, but I don't give a fuck about them. They don't know how I'm feeling, how I'm suffering.

I lost the best man in my life. My best friend. My dad.

What we are going to do without him? I don't know.

But for now, everything has turned black for me.