Nicholas Grey Must Not Die | ✓

6 | Finality

"Blue looks good on the sky, looks good on that neon buzzin' on the wall, but darlin', it don't match your eyes"

~ Blue Ain't Your Color (Ripcord)

I cried with his arms around me until I had no tears left. My body finally collapsed against him in exhaustion. Realizing what I'd just done, I apologized with my groggy voice. "God, I'm sorry."

I tried to get up to relieve him of my weight, but his arms tightened around me, bringing me closer to him. He buried his face in my neck and inhaled sharply. "Please don't go. You're the only thing keeping me sane right now."

My heart broke for him at that moment. I couldn't handle it anymore, so I wiggled some room in his arms and turned around to face him. His eyes were tightly closed as if he was trying to force something from his mind. He looked so distressed. My hands cupped his face delicately and I used my thumbs to lightly wipe away his tears. "Hey, open your eyes."

When his eyes remained closed in an act of defiance, I leaned in closer, making sure he could feel my presence. "Please open your eyes, Nick. For me?" There was desperateness in my voice, a kind of plea that tore open my heart, spillings old feelings.

At that, he complied. His eyes fluttered open slowly and beyond the tears that tried to cover his beautiful eyes was the shame and sincerity I didn't know what to do with. He stared back at me, the tears in his eyes silently falling and refilling until my thumbs could no longer keep up with their pace. All of his walls were down, from the ones that guarded the emotion in his eyes to the ones that manned his heart. I could see everything and it was suddenly all too overwhelming. 

"Okay, I'm going to try to get this out before I lose it again," I said, feigning strength in my voice, "I am so sorry about what's happened to your family. I am so sorry about the burden you carry. I am so sorry that I thought you were a heartless jerk. I am so sorry that when you left, I walk away without a fight. I should've been a better friend and I failed. But here's something I know is true. You and your family are strong. Your dad will get through this. Sabrina and Hunter will get through this. Your mom will get through this. And you will get through this. I know this because I know you and I know your family. You couldn't have changed that drastically in three years. You will prevail and I will be cheering you on until you get to the other side, whatever that may be. That is a promise I will make to you right now."

He continued to look at me with doubt sparkling in his eyes and the tears continued to fall endlessly. "I'm sorry I'm dumping all of this on you. It's all too much, I shouldn't have said anything," he roughly said after a while. His grip on me loosened, pushing me away as if to get up and move away.

His movements were like gasoline to the fire I felt and I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him back to me. "No. You were right to tell me everything and I'm glad you did. Don't apologize for something you didn't do wrongfully."

"I can't ask you to stand by me, Iris," he fought back, laying back limply against the couch. He dropped his head against the seat, closing his eyes.

I shook my head, unknowingly lifting one of my legs over his so that I was straddling him. I grabbed his head in a soft manner, using my thumbs to wipe away his tears against his cheekbones. "You are not asking me to do anything. I am choosing. You can't push me out again, Nick, please."

At my words, he raised his head to catch my eyes. "I'm not trying to push you out, Iris. But my reputation will be destroyed when the accusations come out. I can't bear to take you down with me."

I shook my head once again, my fingers tightening their hold on his sharp jaw. "You have to stop acting like this, Nick. Nothing has been proven yet."

"That's not the point, Iris," he fought.

"Then what is?"

He let out a heavy breath. "The point is you don't believe me, which is fine, it's your prerogative to have doubts. But I can't ask you to stand by my side when you're not sure if I did that to multiple women. You deserve better than that, Iris."

I wanted to fight him. I wanted to argue that he was wrong, that I did believe him. But my lips wouldn't move. No words sat at the tip of my tongue, fighting to get out as they had been just moments earlier. I sat quietly, scolding myself for not coming to his defense. Did I truly doubt him? 

My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach as I realized that I did. 

I doubted him.

I doubted his sincerity.

I doubted his words.

I doubted his integrity.

When it came to the accusations, I doubted him. 

And by doing so, I was dishonoring his character, the person he has shown me. 

And I hated myself for it.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't understand why I couldn't take his word as the truth, even after all that he's confessed; even after all those tears we shed together at all the pain we felt; even after I realized that he was still the great guy I remember, perhaps even greater. I sat tightlipped, my expression turning into a void. "So that means we can't talk about us?"

He let out another heavy breath, but this time, it was accompanied by a shudder. "I want to talk to you about so many things, Iris. There are so many things that I've already told you, which you seem to have disregarded or they went in one ear and out the other. I just...I can't handle that right now. And I also can't take away your dignity. You're honest and smart. You take everything with a grain of salt, as you should, and I will forever cherish that. But you have to see how our wants and needs come into conflict."

I felt like crying. "Are you pushing me away again?"

"I can't push you away if you never truly approached me close enough, Iris. You're miles away and I can't seem able to reach you," he said sadly.

My throat dried at his words, trying to fight the lump that was forming. "I'm not miles away-"

"-Yeah you are, love, and it's okay. You wanted to know why I left you and now you know. I'm sorry for making you cry with my BS. You have your closure now though," he said, his tone following that of a finality. 

Tears threatened to form, but I forced them away. "So what, is this goodbye?"

He sighed. "It's whatever you want it to be." I almost began to argue, but he interrupted with defeated eyes before I can make a point. "You know what I mean Iris, please don't twist my words."

My shoulders fell as I realized I had no good arguments to make against his. He...was right. 

I shook my head. I felt the panic settling into my heart. But before it took control, I pushed away from him and stood. I rushed out of his house and practically ran to my car. I saw him standing by the front door, a devastated look etched on his face as I backed out of his driveway with trembling hands. 

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