Vice and Acceptance | Completed |

A Gun in my Mouth

As I came down off my high, I began to think about Riley.

I haven't seen him in 18 years.

18 insane, life changing years.

I don't dwell on the past though, because if I did, I would have probably followed in my mother's footsteps.

Life does that to people. Life kicks the shit out of us and expects us to get up every single time, just to be punched in the gut again. I used to blame my mother for everything that was wrong in my life, hell sometimes I still do, but now I realize she had the right idea. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've considered it.

Actually, I can.

The first time was right after I had run away from the foster home, from Riley. I kept wanting to run back to him, to protect him from everything that could possibly bring him harm, but I knew that I was the most harmful part of his life. Without me, Riley could go live with that family, he could be whole again. I was never going to be whole, and this realization caused me to consider putting a gun in my mouth. Just like ol' mommy dearest. Then I thought, Fuck that. I'm stronger than she ever was. I'm gonna be somebody.

The second time was after I fell in with one hell of a crowd, I was 19.

"You wanna shoot up? It's not as scary as people make it seem. I promise Jay."

What's the harm in doing it just once?

"Look Jay, I can't keep supporting the both of us. You should really think about Charlie's offer."

Sell my body for drugs? Sure! Only a couple of times though. Then I'll get a real job.

" Jay? Jay! What the fuck, why aren't you breathing? Fuck, fuck, fuck. C'mon Jay. Wake up! Wake the fuck up! Fuck this, I have to go. Im sorry Jay."

Waking up alone in a hospital bed with no memory of how you got there is so much fun. Really, you guys should try it.

After being discharged from the hospital, I made my way home, just to find all of my belongings, my money, and my drugs gone. I was back to square one.

I thought about putting a gun in my mouth.

A couple of months ago, I found myself back at my childhood home. Don't ask me why I went there, maybe I just like torturing myself okay? The house was in beautiful condition, all the little things that were wrong with it when I was 11 were fixed now. The paint was no longer peeling off on the left side of the house, all the windows seemed to be completely intact, the weeds in the front yard were clearly tended to these days.

As soon as I looked at the front door, it all came back to me.

I pictured my 11 year old self opening that same door and finding a horror movie inside.

My mother was lying on the floor, blood spattered against the curtains behind her. Everything in the living room had been broken, as if she was a tornado, destroying anything in her path. How had we not heard all of that? That day we were outside, playing as if it was any other day, how had we not heard everything shattering inside? Why weren't we aware of her storm?

There were no cars currently in the driveway, so I took it upon myself to hop the fence into the backyard. Everywhere I looked, I could only picture Riley and I playing. Running all around like we hadn't a care in the world. All while our mother was getting ready to voluntarily leave this world.

I made my way to the main reason I hopped the fence.

Our tree.

It was still there, bigger than ever. I found where I had carved our names in all those years ago, and tears threatened my eyelids as I traced my hand over it.

Only now, there were two more names carved directly underneath.

Madison and Orion.

They must be the kids who live here now. Hopefully they'll never be separated from each other. Hopefully they live long, happy lives, with support from two amazing parents, and hopefully they never think about putting a gun in their mouth.

As I was getting up to leave, to stop dwelling on the past, a small voice startled me.

"Are you the tree lady?" It was a little boy, probably around the age of 6.

I chuckled at being reduced to 'tree lady.'

"Yeah, I am. Is this your home now? Are you Orion?"

The little boy nodded his head shyly and stared at me with his big, green eyes. The same color Riley's used to be when he cried.

"Well Orion, I'm sorry if I scared you, it's just I used to live in this house and I was taking a walk down memory lane. I'll leave now."

He kept staring at me, probably scared by all the "Stranger Danger" mumbo jumbo that parents shove down their kid's throats these days, so I started walking back to the fence and right before I hopped over, I turned back and said "You know, you look a lot like my little brother did at your age Orion. I hope you have a wonderful life."

Now I'm in a public bathroom, getting high in a stall, and thanking God that I never had any children to fuck up like my mother did.