The third book in the Ascension Series.
After the destruction of Mount Weather and the end of The Shadow Bloods, Commander Lexa mourns the loss of Clarke Griffin.
Unbeknownst to Lexa, Clarke survived the fall of The Mountain and has made the heartbr...
For a moment I was lost for words. Since I returned to Polis Lexa had done everything possible to make sure others were always present around us. Conversations were strictly kept to dealing with the threats we now faced and any hint of discussions venturing into the realms of personal feelings were swiftly brought to an end. Lexa had purposely kept me at arms length, suppressing anything we once shared. It felt unbearable at times, as though we were strangers who held no connection. Yet, on the eve of battle I found her at my door asking for a solitary conversation. It was unexpected and filled me with apprehension. I stepped aside, allowing her to walk into my room. "My apologies for calling upon you, but there's a matter we need to discuss," Lexa spoke. I closed the door and queried her visit, "We ride into battle in the morning. I'm not sure there's anything left to go over unless you're changing combat strategy. If so, you can find Bellamy and Octavia at the Skaikru Embassy." "Battle plans remain the same. This is about your role in the days ahead," Lexa cryptically continued. I looked on in confusion, "I don't understand." "Your name has been put forward onto the Skaikru list of those who will make it into the bunker should we acquire the key. Those who are on each of The Clan lists will remain in Polis to protect the bunker should we fail. Your mother has insisted that I make it clear, you will not ride with us to fight The Queen's forces," Lexa spoke with authority. I was left stunned for many reasons. For a start I was surprised I was on Skaikru's list given that I'd had no discussion about it but I was also somewhat angry that my mother had gone to Lexa to ask her to keep me away from the battlefield. "This is not my mother's decision to make. I didn't ask to be on that list, they can give my place to someone else," I growled. "You are not the only Skaikru warrior who wishes to fight that will stay behind, both Octavia and Bellamy will also remain in The Capital," she replied defensively. I sighed in frustration and walked over to the window to look out at the lands that would soon be destroyed, "This isnt about not wanting to survive, it's about being given a choice in my fate." Lexa moved to stand beside me, "The thing about choice, Clarke is that at some point the tough decisions we choose to make end up hurting the ones we love." I understood the meaning behind her words and the pain they caused both of us. Turning to Lexa, I could only respond with honesty, "Then tell me truthfully, Heda when that death wave rolls in on the horizon will I face it knowing I lost you to a choice I now regret or knowing that somewhere in your heart you still love me?"
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
The atmosphere between us grew uncomfortable. This was a discussion Lexa had been avoiding; a discussion that required her barriers to fall, for truths to be known and for the heartache of the past to be laid bear. Lexa struggled to answer my question. "What words do you want from me, Clarke? Do you want forgiveness? If so then fine, you're forgiven. I'm leading our people to war so we can try and save as many as possible from the hell that's nearly at our gates and you want to discuss matters of the heart!" Lexa shouted. "I want you to be honest about how you feel. Is that too much to ask after everything we've been through?" I yelled back at her. I watched as a mixture of anger, frustration and sorrow overwhelmed her until she could no longer contain it. "Hurt! That's how I feel. Betrayed! Utterly fractured! Does it make you feel better knowing that?" She scorned. "Of course it doesn't," I replied. "I'm not afforded the luxuries most have when it comes to how their heart should beat for another. A Commander isn't allowed to grieve publicly, weakness must never be shown. The woman I loved died and duty forbade me from even shedding a tear to say my farewells. It's easier to close off emotions than to face the complications they bring," Lexa reasoned as her reality filled me with heartache. I walked closer to her to try and calm the situation, "I know you don't believe that, Lexa. You turned the flame on the top of Polis Tower blue. You did it for me, for us." She seemed surprised I knew of her actions, "I did it because it was the only way I could mourn you. I'd lost you in that mountain, Clarke and everyday it was killing me to carry on without you " Lexa broke eye contact with me, refusing to let me see how much I'd hurt her. Tears welled in my eyes, how could I have been so naive about my actions?
