Distance | jikook

104

"I'm sending you message one last time.
Before I go I want to say few things. I loved you Jimin. I loved you so much. I loved you more than I loved anyone else in my whole life. I was willing to do anything for you. I was so lonely before I started talking with you. I was really lonely. Sometimes I used to talk with myself thinking God can hear me. I was asking why is this happening to me? Why am I so sad? Why can't I be happy just for one whole day? I harmed myself so many times. And it was only getting worse. I was so depressive.
So alone.
I thought I'll die. I really did. My life seemed to be great and perfect when you look from strangers perspective. My parents are faking their love in public while they're fighting all the time when we're at home. And I could take it until they started bullying me too. Actually my father was the one who was throwing punches on my face and my body, and my mother was the one always saying how I'm such a disappointment and how they don't love me and how I wasn't supposed to be born.
The reason for that is because my mother almost died when she was giving birth to me. Her life is much more important than mine obviously. And she hated me because of my brother. We had car accident and he died three years ago. I was the one who survived and he died. She told me it would've been much better if he stayed alive and I died, countless times.
That's just one reason.
Second reason is my school. Everyone hates me there, I only had Tae there and I lost him too. I broke his heart and I can't forgive myself for doing that. Everyone bullied me in school too, cause I was from rich family and they always said how they hate little rich kids, how they're sick of them. But the thing is that I never acted like one.
Those were the reasons why I was asking God, why? Why is this happening to me? Why am I wearing scars from my father and boys from my school? Why do I have scars on my heart from my mother? Why does nobody support me? Why am I so alone? The only thing, actually person who kept me in life was Tae he knows everything and he was there for me, but now I lost him too. Because I'm so stupid person. I'm so stupid. And there's Yoongi, he was like my brother I could tell him everything without even thinking twice. And now I feel like I don't know him anymore, I feel like I just used him. I feel like we're not what we used to be. I feel like I betrayed him. I don't want to feel like that. I want everything to be normal as it was before..but it can't be..it just can't. I hope he'll forgive me one day..
And now is your turn.
You texted me and first I acted cold cause I knowed how the time pass by you'll leave.
But after few weeks you were still texting me.
I told you somethings and yes, I lied when I said "now you know everything about me and my life" because I still thought eventually you'll leave. And after one month of our conversation I found myself thinking about you more than before.
I found myself falling for a total stranger.
But by the time I saw how you changed me without even knowing that. I haven't hurt myself that month. whole month. That was my record. And I'm sorry for not telling you about harming stuff, I thought it would be best if I keep it for myself.
Then you broke my heart, but it was worth it cause after that we were together.
in relationship.
I was so happy and I really felt loved. I felt so special. I felt lucky for having you. And then the next time I was talking to myself -God, I was thanking him. I said "thank you. if this was your plan then it was worth it. I feel happy now, and that's really different feeling, please don't take him away from me" but you know what they said "I will take the person for which you say you can't live without. Just to show you, you can and you will."
and that's how it was. We were happy together, for almost five months, and everything seemed so perfect.
But happy things don't last long.
I think time when everything changed was after my accident.
After that...I think everything was different.
I couldn't remember you, I broke your heart, I made Tae fall in love with me, and now he has a broken heart. Because of me. He probably hates me.
After I got my memories back we got back together. We thought everything can be same as it was before, but let's be honest both of us knows nothing was same. I mean if it was why would you ask for a break? Right after I got my memories back? Right after we got back together? Why? Because you don't feel same as you used to.
To be honest Jimin I was planning to come to America, to see you, hug you, smell you, kiss you.. I wanted to come and exact day I decided to, you said you want to take a break. That was sign big enough for me.
And suddenly I was broken.
Again.
Because of you.
And there I was. Asking and cursing God for all this. "So this was your plan whole time? To make me feel happy, show me how's to be happy, show me how's to love, to be loved and then just break me again? Am I cursed? Why? Why are you doing this to me? Why is this my life? Why are you touring me? Just kill me already!" and then I realized he won't kill me, not really, but he will kill me inside and he'll make me fell like I'm the loneliest person alive, like I'm the most saddest person alive.
I had enough.
I really did.
This is my last time texting you.
I forgive you everything.
I love you, I always did, but I can't live like this anymore, I'm tired I really am. I can't breathe normal anymore, I feel like I'm choking.
So this is my decision, if the thing or person I call God won't kill me then I'll kill me.
I can't take this anymore.
Please say to Yoongi and Tae that I love them, and I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I'm going like this but I don't have enough energy to write three letters like this. I'm sorry.
Just tell them this please...i hope they'll forgive me one day...
So I guess that's it.
I'm sorry Jimin, but right now this is the only way, the only path I see.
Please forgive me.
I love you with all of my heart.
Your,
Jungkook."
5.55am

I would really appreciate if all of you, who're reading my book, comment here, I tried my best for this part, took me one hour to write it, thanks ♥️