Blank canvas

Introducing me

He stared at me like i was a wall, a blank canvas so to speak. That is who i was, a blank canvas, a white sheet of paper awaiting him to colour me in with his smiles and laughter. I wanted his colour. Sometimes he wouldn't speak to me and i would be back to the empty vodka bottle an old re-hab patient left behind after hitting rock bottom; The person i was always afraid of turning back into after having days with him that feel like dreams. Im not sure what i expect from him and maybe the things that i do expect are too much. Someone once told me that pain is only ever around when you've had too much of a good time. After that i stopped smiling, stopped enjoying the rainbows and instead i just awaited the storms that forever clouded my thoughts. Im nothing special i tell myself, nothing worthy of excitement and laughter. All i am is another person on this earth to take up a spare room "god had created" i say that in inverted commas because after all the hurt ive been through i believe there is no such thing as a great king who watches over the world whilst deciding everyones futures. See to me that sounds like make believe. Perhaps someone got bored of the "big bang" theory and decided to make something else up instead. Maybe, i think to myself, i am just another scar on the forhead of the earth. Its funny how i'm fifteen but already wishing my life away. According to most teen movies i should be dating a jock and a famous singer/actress. According to my mom i should be tidy,happy and energetic. I can tell you now that i am neither of any of those things. I am a socially awkward teenage girl sat in her bed at 12:50pm still in her pyjamas (basically an oversized hoodie and leggings) and writing down a story that has a lot of similarity to her own life story, but i dont want to brag or boast about my own discomfort in life. I decided to write this story for the girls and maybe guys out there that either have a similar story but they feel alone or for the people who are alos going through a struggle through their teenage years. I'm here to tell you that as cliche as it is, you're not alone. I'm saying this because it's what i need to here, what i needed to hear but no one ever said it to me and i guess i don't want anyone to feel the way i do. Maybe its because im selfish or maybe its because i wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy, who knows? Without further a do.. Welcome to the story of my life and the book that tells you what not to do.