Head above the water

13

(Everyone waiting on me to post the next chapter and being disappointed with the speed.)

**WARNING: This chapter contains themes of suicide. Please do not read if it might trigger you. I'm serious, don't do it.**

The room was silent. Jungkook was sat beside me, worriedly staring at the side of my face because I refused to turn and look at him. I couldn't meet his eyes after telling him the truth. It wasn't that people didn't know the truth, they did, but my mother and I had never actually addressed the truth of the situation. I had never talked to anyone, not even my mother, about my fathers death, but I really felt like I needed to talk to someone.

I don't know why, but I felt like I needed to talk about it now. Right now. And, maybe, Jungkook wouldn't judge my family, and I could finally have a friend that knew my side of the truth. A friend that knew, no matter how much I loved my dad, and how much I missed him, that I could never forgive him for what he did to us. To his family that he said he loved.

"I was fourteen," I whispered. Jungkook listened intently, seemingly scared to interrupt me in my explanations.

"My mom was pregnant with my little brother. We were all happy. Our dog, Gypsy, was old, but she was spunky. We were all in the front yard one day, and my dad threw the tennis ball for Gypsy to get. When it hit the ground, it bounced, and then it rolled out into the street. Gypsy tried to chase it, and my mom waddled after her to get her back, but she didn't see the car coming. It hit her, and she was in the hospital for nearly a month, but they couldn't save the baby," I let out a shaky sigh, and continued, "My dad blamed himself. He said if he would have never thrown that dumb ball that nothing like that would have ever happened."

I paused then, and turned to face Jungkook directly. I was scared of saying these things out loud, terrified that by speaking them I would have to acknowledge them. There was something in his eyes, something reassuring. Even though his mouth was closed in a solemn frown his eyes seemed as open and comforting as a hug.

"He got angry after that, and sad. My mom needed us to be there for her, but my dad was in no state to be, and I didn't know how to be. I was still a kid. I was young, and I didn't know how to handle responsibility. My dad worked and worked and worked and he didn't leave any time for the family members that were still alive. He got really distant, and he wouldn't talk to my mom or me about what had happened," I took a big breath, and Jungkook reached over to gently rub my back.

His hand was comforting, and I was glad that he didn't speak. I broke eye contact to place my elbows on my knees and now my head into my hands.

"We got a knock on the door one night. It was late, and my dad wasn't home from work yet. We didn't think anything of it- he was working late pretty often- until we got that knock. There was a policeman at the door. His face was tired and sad, and when I opened it he asked to see my mom. She sent me into the kitchen to get coffee for the officer and I heard her scream from there. My dad had killed himself. They found his body in the water, and his car was parked on the cliff where everyone dives from. There was a note. They said it explained he couldn't deal with everything so he wasn't going to stick around for it. They said he jumped on the rocky side. They told us he was dead the second he hit the water."

When I finished my explanation I realized that I had fat, mascara blackened tears running down my cheeks. Jungkook had pulled me into a hug, and I could feel my body shaking.

"I didn't know," he whispered, obviously trying to comfort me even though he didn't really know me.

"Do you want to know the worst part?" I asked him, still worked up.

Jungkook didn't say anything, but I continued anyway. My sadness had turned into the anger that I had tried so hard to push down for so long. It had turned into the rage that I had always been afraid of.

"It was my birthday!" I shouted as I stood, disentangling myself from his hold, "My fücking birthday! He even mentioned that in the note! I hate him so much! I hate him! I wish I could slap him and tell him that so much! He knew we needed him! He knew we were trying to heal! Everyone keeps saying that my mom and I hid behind his strength, but they're wrong! I was the strong one! I stayed, and he didn't! I put us back together, but it took so much of me to fix Mom's broken pieces that I'm only half a person now!"

I was breathing heavy, and my fists were clenched. Jungkook seemed slightly uncomfortable now, but I couldn't stop myself. The floodgates had opened, and all of the things that I had been holding in were spilling out in rapid succession.

"Did you know I spent a year in a mental hospital? They diagnosed me with depression, and an anger disorder. They told me I had to control myself. They told me I wasn't allowed to break down. I was fourteen, and I wasn't allowed to cry. Not about anything. I wasn't allowed to cry..."

I had fallen to my knees at this point, and my breathing was labored, but no longer frantic. It seemed like in the mere seconds it took me to say all of that my anger had drained out of me, and it had been replaced by the sadness. Sitting on my cold wood floor, I felt the weight of what I'd just admitted to this boy. I felt the weight of the words that I had just dumped on to his shoulders. He seemed to sag with the effort of holding it up.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to him with shaky words.

I half expected him to bolt, but instead he slid on to the floor with me and pulled me to his chest.

"It's okay to be angry sometimes," He whispered in a soft, musical voice, "It's okay to be sad, too. What's not okay is keeping it all in. That's what ends up hurting you."

We were silent for a while, each of us processing what had just happened.

"That place has so many bad memories for you, but you still jumped to save Jimin?" He asked.

"I couldn't let another bad memory make it's home there," I softly explained to him.

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Do you guys hate me for the last cliffhanger? I promise I was going to update again literally the same day, but I got super busy with work and life obligations. I also went three days with literally no cell reception or internet, so no writing for me then, either.

I hope you liked this chapter, and I'm going to try and update again soon.

Love Ya Always,
-Haleigh