[GIRLXGIRL]
Savannah Alana is working on her social anxiety but stays home every hour of the day. A sudden burst of confidence glows and she decides to go to the movie theater. She didn't expect anything to happen until she accidentally squeezes her...
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EVER SINCE SHE WAS LITTLE, Savannah dreamed of going on a date. After watching several teen romances movies, she wished to have the perfect night with the person she liked. Getting picked up, having a fun activity planned, and the night ending with a passionate kiss at the front door. Sparks would fly like fireworks, electricity flowing through their veins with excitement.
A few days following her session with Miss Kelley, Savannah received a phone call from Carson. At first, the conversation obviously was leading to something but Savannah didn't say anything. She was nervous about what she was about to be told.
"So, I've been, uh, thinking about the night in the pool a lot," Carson stumbled nervously, "and I was wondering if you would want to go on a date with me tonight?"
"I-I would love to," she replied.
"Great! I'll send you details in a little while," Carson said happily.
That call happened in the morning, leaving Savannah impatiently waiting all day. It was a Saturday, meaning she didn't have school work to complete but did have time to think about every possible thing that could go wrong.
Carson sent the time she would pick up Savannah at an hour after their phone call ended. Now she knew how long she had to panic, think about every situation that she could end up it (good or bad), and get ready. And the time was at seven in the evening; it was only nine in the morning now.
There were a few times she had been close to getting a date. But, all of those chances were with boys whom she did not have interest in for several reasons. The first boy had been ridiculously close to his twin sister, so close to the point where she was going to go on the date with them as a third wheel. The second boy owned a Nickleback CD, so that obviously was a deal breaker. Then the last boy, he was perfect. Almost too perfect. Before the date, she discovered that he had been dared to figure out if she was gay or not which led to her leaving public school.
Instead of overthinking the date with the girl of her dreams, Savannah decided to spend time with her mother. A Twilight movie marathon began with the two snuggled on the couch.
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[TRIGGER WARNING]
Trapped in a box filling with water, inching closer and closer to the bottom of your eyes so you will be forced to hold your breath. A heavyweight sitting on your heart, so heavy to the point where you fall into your bed with your thoughts laying by your side. The pillows that were supposed to hold your head in comfort but instead it soaks the tears of despair. Silence is the only friend that you have, holding you in a room with one lite candle that is burning out. When that light melts, you will be left alone.
Savannah is alone.
Wrapped in the embrace of depression, she lays in her blacked out bedroom. Her dull eyes stare into the shimmering moon above, lighting the reflection of pale skin. Hands gripped onto a worn out blanket, hoping to tear through every saddening thought. Water slowly fell from the corners of her eyes as she wished this feeling would leave.
Everything in her life was wonderful. A supportive and loving family, a group of friends who understand, and the girl of her dreams waiting by the phone for a call Savannah had promised to deliver. Why was this happening again? Once she made that change to step from that comfort zone, she thought, depression would give up.
You have no right to feel this way. Stop crying, stop you insecure little bitch. Everyone you love is going to leave the second they realize you can't give them what they want. You'll end up alone, just as you were before. There's no point in trying to stop it, you might as well push them away now. You didn't deserve them anyway.
As she sobbed to the moon, Savannah brought her knees to her chest. With every tear, the weight sitting on her chest grew heavier and heavier to the point where she had to calm herself down. Taking deep breaths, her head rested on the window frame while watching the stars shine.
No matter what she did, nothing would help make this feeling go away. The pain stayed marked on her body like a tattoo.
Suddenly, she remembered a technique she heard in a group therapy session years ago. She grabbed her phone off the nightstand, going to the voice recording app. Before pressing record, a heavy breath left her body like after finishing a mile run without stopping.
"It's almost midnight on a Friday. I'm sitting in my bedroom with the lights off with a candle about the burnout. I was supposed to go on a date, my first date, tonight. But, I chickened out an hour before she was supposed to pick me up. I don't know why. I was so excited...I...I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's like," she stopped when her throat began to close up, "every time I get that opportunity to be happy, I ruin it. I haven't been genuinely happy for so long...that I forgot what it feels like, and I'm-I'm terrified of it. I'm scared to leave this life of darkness because it's all I know. It's like...going to a new school after getting used to the old one. I do everything right but this just keeps coming back. I don't want to feel this way anymore. God, I don't deserve this."
A deep breath.
Another breath.
And another.
She eyed the door, imagining herself walking into the bathroom and grabbing the razor she tapped to the back of the toilet. Tears streamed down her face once more, wishing that she wasn't considering it.
Standing from her bed, Savannah slowly walked to the door and put her hand on the knob. It no longer had a lock because of what happened earlier that year. God, she wished that the lock was still there. Leaning her head against the door, she stalled herself from making way to the bathroom. With eyes closed, she visioned her last episode. It was with Carson, she showed her a replacement for the razor.
Instead of opening the door, she went through the drawer at her desk, desperately searching for a marker. This was when a light was needed. It shined as bright as the sun but she didn't care. She needed to find a marker. Once she did, she sat on the edge of her bed and popped the cap off the stick. Carefully, she began drawing a horizon on her exposed thigh.
With satisfaction, she tossed the marker onto the floor before laying back in bed, closing her eyes, and falling into a deep slumber.
