To Have and Hold

prologe/screeches

         "Erwin!" Levi screeches. His voice cracking in the process.  Levi's entire body covered in a thick, crimson liquid. A mixture of saliva and salty tears drench his once so perfect porcelain face.  Everyone can hear Levi's jagged breathing. His eyes, coats and coats of tears that were starting to pore from those grey ravenous, fearful, eyes.  Levi pulls the commander into his lap and cradles him as if he was a fragile thing. Levi puts one of his shaken hands on his beloved commanders chiseled face. Levi watches in a gruesome horror as he locks eyes with the commanders. The commander's breaths, harsh and jagged.

   The commander wraps his hand weakly, around Levi's blood- written hand. "Erwin."  Levi breathes out. His eyes face drenched in the salty, clear liquid. Erwin's eyes peel open. His eyebrows, softer than Levi has ever seen. "Thank you Levi, for dedicating you're heart". Erwin is cut of from his sentence from Levi's shriek.  "Shu-shut up, you bastard." Levi chokes on those words. Holding the larger man up to his blooded chest. "Please, shut up, yo-you're not gonna die."

   Erwin let's out a soft, bittersweet chuckle. He's growing weaker and weaker with every agonizing sharp breath from his breathing. "God dammit Levi, you've always been," Erwin inhales sharply. "Just so stubborn". His hand slips away from Levi's shaking fingers. Levis glassy eyes gaze and lock into Erwin's pale, blue ones. Erwin cups Levi's porcelain face. "But... you-you can't die... you're the commander." Levi's voice trails off. "You're my lover..." The water works start going. Levi's soft cries soon turn into agonizing sobs. "Levi, save it." Erwin mutters.

"God dammit! Levi says in a infuriated screech.

Levi pulls Erwin's left arm and brings it up to his blood-ridden lap. Upon pulling the leather beige jacket up, Levi softy strokes his pale arm. From the forest green Recon Core cloak, out from his pocket he pulls out a thin, sharp syringe. Holding the bigger mans arm, Levi secures his maneuvering gear into the foundations of the roof.  Levi takes a deep, inhale as he slides  the syringe around his two fingers. "Move back"! He yells the soldiers. As the syringe about is to break the skin, Erwin's hand lays it atop of Levi's. "No." Erwin Wheezes.

"You idiot what do you mean no?". Levi's eyes narrow yet the flow of the salty liquid still pores from those eyes. Levi's face is a mixture of anger, sadness, and confusion. Erwin, taking his thump and stroking the tears from the deep grey pools. Levi can tell the man is getting weaker and weaker at the moment.

Erwin manages to find some strength and places his cold, pale ones upon Levi's warm plump ones. It wasn't a forceful, rough kiss. More as a butterfly, fluttering it's lashes against someones skin. The kiss, how soft, long, and passionate. Levi can feel the commander's body grow limb. Levi breaks apart the kiss, and cups Erwin's chiseled face. Levi plants a kiss on the commanders forehead. Levi slowly gets up and  walks over to the coconut headed blond. He peels the beige leather jacket back and injects the boy with the serum. His eyes, glance over to the commanders lifeless ones. Eren and Mikasa begin sobbing in relief as their childhood friend is once again full of life.

Levi zips over to the commanders corpse. Hanji fallowing in the process. Hanji slides her thick, black glasses over her eyes and begins observing the carcass. Hanji peels back his eye lids. No movement. Hanji inhales as tears poor from her eyes. "He-he's dead"! Levi's eyes widen and quench at the disgusting words.

Levi breaks down. His sobs, having an ugly gurgling agonizing ring. Hanji pulls Levi her embrace. Nobody says anything. Not Eren or Mikasa. They sit in a Together and what feels like an eternally.

The two eventually break apart. Levi stands up wiping his eyes with his forearm. "Move out". He hollers. Eren runs up to the Captain and places a hand upon his shoulder. In response, Levi turns around. A worried expression is plastered on his face.  "Captain." Eren's voice trails off. "I apologize for-". Levi snaps. "Not a word, Eren". Levi wips around. His fingers, smashing into the buttons of the maneuvering gear.

***

Levi,s POV.

On the way home, nobody says a word. All what is heard is the clucking of the horses trotting back towards the castle. I place a sheet over the corpse of Erwin. His head, rests in my lap as I stroke his hair softly. As soon as I touch his face, that sets me off. His face, cold. Cold and lifeless. My eyes began to gloss, my jaw clinch, and my lips quiever. I close my eyes and wait for my tears to melt away. Everyone's head hangs down low. The atmospher , depressed and scared. I hang my head low. As soon as the wagon makes it to the castles entrance. I hop of, grabbing Erwin's tantard cloak grasp in my hand. "Corporal"! Eren calls out. I don't acknowledge him. Eren catches up. "Hey, we're are you going"?! I continue my fast pasting walk to the castle, not saying anything.

"Let him go". A soft voice says. Like whisky going down smooth. Hanji. "I'm sure he just wants to be alone for awhile".  I thank Hanji internally. I travel up the stair case to the opposite of mine. Erwin's. It was shut, put wasn't locked. Slowly, I push the door open. Everything inside, unchanged. The scent of lavender fills my nostrils. There isn't a spec of dirt on any surface. Papers, stacked neatly on the desk. Bed still made up as if there was someone suppose to be in it. The rooms still. I genitally shut the door behind me. I Lock it.

The scent of Erwin lingers within the air. Carefully, I undo the gas tank and blades. They drop hard to the floor. I practically rip the harnesses and straps of my body. I violently roll them up and throw them on the bed. My hands begin to violently shake. I slide those ugly black boots off. I place them besides the door. Being mindful to keep the room clean. I untie my cravat and genitally lay itdown on the bed. Next to Erwin's slashed cloak. I dig in my pocket and pull out Erwin's commander pendent. I hold it tightly to my chest. The cold stone feeling strangely confronting against my skin.

I undress myself, lay my clothes folded nicely on the nightstand. My clothes were scattered across the bed. I open one of
Erwin's wooden drawer. I scoop up my bloodied clothes, and gently place them in there. The door makes a cracking noise I push it close. I walk over to the connected bathroom. The cold marble floor hit my feet. I light the bathrooms lantern. The room turns a dark orangish color. I turn on the medal switch to the tub. A brownish liquid begins to fill up the tub. It looked dirty, but right now, I didn't care. I climb in.
The hot water having a burning, stinging feeling. My body slouches. I lower my head in the water.  I'm unsure for how long I sit there. I hum some of the old Catholic hymns my mother would sing to me. Time passes, the water begins to turn cold. In response, my body begins to shake.

I do eventually get out. The wood makes creaking noises as my feet swiftly pass by. I stand there. My head, hung low. Water begins to drip from the ends of my hair. The sound of water droplets making a ka-plunk sound as they hit the wooden floor. Ka- plunk Ka- plunk Ka plunk. I stand there for a few moments. It feels like I could just stay there forever. Just watching the little droplets hit the floor.

It's a weird feeling. I feel so emotionless, so... inhuman. Eventually my body begins to in flair with goosebumps from the cold. I being ravaging through his drawers in search for some form of sleep were. I find one of his botten downs. I bring it up to my nose. God, it smells like him. I pull one of his white button downs over my head.

With nothing but his pendent and dirty cloak in my hands, I craw into bed and curl up next to it. I lie awake in the painful silence. Waiting for the afternoon dusk to fade into night. I hear the raindrops plip on the window. And has soon as the rain comes, so do the tears. Their slow at first, barley even accumulating in the corners of my eyes. But when I blink, they fall. For some reason, the sensation for my own tears wetting my porcelain skin triggers the buildup of my hysterics and before long, i'm wrecked with ugly grueling sobs. My face, buried in the soft cotton. My cries, causing the dampness of the cloth.

I clutch the fabric so tight, that my knuckles began to fell numb and turn white. It feels like needles stabbing my skin. Eventually, my agonizing sobs turn into ugly hiccups. I manage to fall asleep, the pendent and soft green cloak wrapped in my arms.