Memories of a Fallen Leaf

Tis a Fearful Thing

White material, fluttering, alike to that of a moth's wing or a loose-fitting nightgown. Its white mysterious silhouette a fitting part of this crystal-clear night. However, it is only the curtain, caressed by the delicate wind. Not pushing or demanding, just supporting and assisting, offering me an open palm into the wide, wide world. Curiosity gets the better of me and I ease the curtain aside, softly and with care, just as I have done with my heart. Now is a time for peace and rest, not excitement or anxiety. I have already been through so much.

My lantern's light guides me through the partially open door and onto an outside terrace, free from the secrets and shadows that have trapped me indoors for so long. Am I ready for this freedom? The shadows may be unwelcoming and privative but I know them well. Out here in the fresh air so much can happen, there are so many possibilities. Too many possibilities.

I hear a voice echo from behind me, calling out my name. I need not turn around to know who it is and I accept his presence without a hint of doubt. All the while my eyes wander over the animated skyline. Lights dart in front of my irises and I watch people, rushing up and down the streets, captivated by the activity. I feel him stand beside me. There is no need to talk, we have passed the need to fill the silence, one another's company is enough. I feel him place a calloused hand onto my arm and I turn to face him. I am struck by the glimmer in his eyes, a sparkle of excitement. How I love those ocean blue depths, which captivated me at my first glance and his glistening smile. How he manages to seem so happy after all he has been through continues to amaze me. Despite how he tries to hide it even in the ill-lit night his skin lacks luster and his flaxen hair is wind blown. But beyond all his other physical features he is happy for me by his side.

A raucous echos from down the street, my head turns in that direction but I am pulled back to his graceful face. He parts his lips as if he is to speak, but no words come out. Suddenly music, from a nearby celebration, brings the moment to life and the city becomes truly alive as the night begins. He grabs my hand to pull me close. Arm in arm we go to dance the night away just as we have done many a time in the past. But this time we do not need anyone else, this moment is ours. The music picks up and laughter builds up inside me, desperate to be let out. And I let. I let the world know that I am happy to be here in his arms. I let the world know that no matter what is thrown at me I will have these moments to get me through. As long as I have him.

And in the height of the moment I feel the splatter of rain fall onto my face, and the sky is filled with delicate droplets of water. I make an attempt to go inside but he pulls me back. And on this gorgeous heavenly night he holds me close and goes to seal the moment. But before his lips touch mine, I am alone.

The music turns into the rustle of crushed leaves, the falling rain turns to tears and his touch only the gentle caress of the wind. My heart is empty once more. And as I stare up into the heavens, just as I did with my lovers eyes, I let the tear stream down my face. The pain comes crashing back and I make no attempt to resist. I am not ready for this world. It is harsh, it is desolate and it is unforgiving.

And in the corner of my eye, I see the white curtain, fluttering, caressed by the delicate wind, welcoming me back into the shadows. Picking up my extinguished lantern I return back to the dark house, my mansion of secrets. With the white curtain welcoming me back to my rightful place, I place my feet over the threshold and carefully shut the door. All the while one thing stubbornly remains in the melancholy lurks of my mind.

Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch.