What is my life???

First Relationship

So a lot of time has passed since I've updated What is my life??? I'm sorry about that if you have been interested. Also since it has been so long, the timeline may be a bit off. Sorry!!! This update is on the girl I gushed about in my queer chapter. And of course, she has a nickname for this story, which is "Persona".

So I've been friends with "Persona" for a while. I would say that it wasn't a super close friendship but it was one for sure. As you know from my queer chapter, I started having a crush on her. I don't remember when it started to develop. But it happened after we started hanging out more in school. At this time, I at least thought that she was in a long distance relationship with another girl. Me being me, I didn't want to even think about breaking up her current relationship. So I tried to push away my crush.

Which it worked pretty well, but I still had a smaller crush on her. And it turned out that she liked me too. She even has a wattpad account and a story time book like mine. Her crush chapter inspired me to add to my queer chapter. Which this inspiration was more of a hope that she would read it and get that it's her. But anyway, in her crush chapter, she ended up saying that she didn't want to get in between a super close friendship. And I knew that was me and my best friend since I already knew she liked me. After seeing that I, of course, told my best friend.

And Sara being Sara, wanted to help me out. So she read the chapter and told "Persona", that she knew. "Persona" flipped out when Sara said she knew, in an excited way though. Sara and

"Persona's" best friend ended up talking and confirming that me and "Persona" wanted to date each other.

And here's the kicker, she asked me out in Spanish class. Yep. Apparently Spanish class is where all the people that like me, lmao. But before y'all get your hopes up, we only dated for like a month.

At first, things were good but that went downhill fast. She isn't supposed to date girls, she's bi as well because she was threatened to be kicked out if she did. So most people couldn't know that we were dating, for her safety. She also doesn't have a phone, because that's how controlling her dad is. Which neither thing bothered me at the time.

We spent a lot of time in school together but never hung out outside of school. I tried several times to make plans but she would shut it down because she assumed her dad would say no. Which was the first thing that started to annoy me. I was also expecting at least a slight change in our relationship since it was going from friendship to dating. But nothing did if anything it got worse.

As time progress more and more things started to annoy me. And me being me, I kept it to myself but also got colder. I know communication is key to a relationship but it's also a two-way street. She started to talk to people online more than she was talking to me, her girlfriend. I also noticed how often she would talk bad about herself, and it would upset me. I wanted her to know that she's worth something and she is beautiful, but she wouldn't accept compliments. Which is what truly upset me.

We also were at different points with dealing with mental health. I was, and am, trying to go down a more positive path so I don't have such low lows. But even when she was going to therapy, she wasn't putting in the effort to change her thinking. At one point she inadvertently was bringing me back to my more negative thinking. I know that that wasn't her fault but I just wasn't in a strong state at the time.

With all of this, I knew that it wasn't going to work out. And it made me sad because I did want my first relationship to last. And the worst part is that I was too chicken to tell her all of this when I broke up with her. Because I knew that even though most of my issues with our relationship was because of my personal preferences, she would feel awful about herself. I know that she has such a low self-esteem, I was worried that me breaking up with her would be the final shove. I pushed off the break up for so long because I was so scared off hurting her. Because even though we don't work as a couple, I still care about her as a friend.

Although right before I broke up with her, I was having some mental health issues. I had recalled a very difficult thing. I may tell you later in a different chapter. Anyway, this made me spacey as hell and distant to almost everyone. When I broke up with her I used this difficult issue as one of my major reasons. Because truly I knew that I was going to be focusing on myself a lot. Which I think is unfair to put her through. But she was understanding and although things have been weird I'm just glad I had my experiences so I can learn from them.