I have been diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder. I was made aware of this after I was locked away. Only once I was secured.
I am nineteen years old. A psych patient. This makes me like millions of Americans.
If I had to narrow the description, so you could picture just how unique I am, I would add that I live at a psychiatric hospital 24/7. Now, I’m only like thousands of Americans. More uniquely, I am a high-security patient.
As far as I know, I am one of three. The other two are male, so that makes me pretty dang unique. Most people with Antisocial Personality Disorder can cope with regular life.
Apparently, one nineteen year old female, however, can’t even cope with psych ward life.
Now, for my past.
I expect people expect me to say I was abused, or something horrific happened to me, and that that event caused me to be the way I am.
I answer those people with this expectation, Do you think something bad or horrific happened to the Greek sirens?
No.
Those sirens were born monsters, that felt giddy at the prospect of luring sailors to their deaths.
I am the same. Maybe even more horrific than the fact that my childhood was not filled with abuse is that it was, in fact, filled with beach houses and family picnics. There isn’t a point in my past, my first fourteen years, that was different from the lives of every other fourteen year old girl. Until I realized something about myself.
I discovered what I began this journal with. I could only feel three emotions.
It began to concern me, that I did not love, or even really like, my family.
That led me to a realization.
Despite pretending that their hugs meant things to me, I realized that, if presented with a choice between my family’s lives and my own, I would choose myself.
And I wouldn’t think twice about it.
As I said, it began to worry me. But clearly everyone else had to go through this. This was a phase. It would pass.
But it didn’t. And that’s how I ended up in a psych ward. As to how I ended up in a high security prison portion of this hellhouse, well… you’ll have to come back to find out.
~Jezza
