Blurred Lines

Such big decisions

Jeremy pov

It took me a solid three hours to recover, and upon leaving my room Christine was waiting, pacing in the hall.

I knew I looked terrible, and I knew she'd be able to tell.

"First off, dick move shutting down the cameras and audio. Secondly, I hate to break it to you but-." I cut her off, deadpanning,

"He's gone isn't he." She nodded and I sighed. "Fucking dammit." I cursed under my breath, raking for something, anything to do now. I knew he was likely going to rat us out to his people, thus bringing our doom while our superiors would brush it off claiming we could take them.

"I alerted the captain, but he already knew an unfamiliar teen escaped. Clara was found unconscious in the tunnel entrance." She informed me, and suddenly something came back to me.

In our month of friendship we had a few days where we got separated by a particularly nasty temporary sub who didn't like how close we were, and we communicated through notes taped to the bottom of a desk.

Without another word to Christine I took off, heading for the elevator and then the classroom I spent my first year here in.

I closed my eyes to picture the room I was in before all of this went down, and while the memory was faint I could still pinpoint the correct desk.

I practically fell to get to the ground faster, almost crying in relief when I saw the sticky note stuck under it.

'props to you for remembering, jer bear' it said, with a phone number and a scribbled -m next to it.

I don't have a phone, not unless I need one for a cover, but I stuck the note in my pocket nonetheless and stood up, heading out again, knowing Christine will have swiped one for Jenna at one point and knew where they were kept.

I find her in the cafeteria, getting food.

"Chris I need a phone." Without looking up she said,

"Here." and tossed me a key. "It's to the prop closet. All of them are untracable." I thanked her and left for the room with the phones in it. Various styles and types are in the box, and I grab an old smartphone, powering it on.

I put in the number and texted,

Jeremy: you werent kidding' He responded almost immediately.

Michael: i was not' i hit a blunt. what now? hes not going to tell me where he is or how to find him.

Jeremy: why did you leave?'

Michael: ive got things to do' Dammit I can't tell if hes telling the truth through a phone. I click the call button, as well as freezing the camera and audio, and on the second ring he picks up.

"You still cant see me." He says, clearly having just woke up. It is early morning, ish. It's like one am.

"Your tone is enough." I defend, and he asks,

"So, what do you want?" I hit a blunt, realizing I'd been so caught up in clntacting him i had no idea what i wanted to say.

"I don't know." I say, frustrated.

"Then tell me what you're thinking. Do you want me to come back?"

"Yes, but I know you wont." I say in defeat, now pacing.

"That is correct."

"Why did you really leave?"

"To get you started on the path of forgetting me." His easy tone alarmed me, and i sputtered,

"What! Why?"

"Because, you've got a good thing going and falling for me isn't going to help that." Falling for-I didn't-....dammit.

"I didn't fall for you." I still say indignantly, and I hear him laugh without humor.

"We both know that's bullshit, Jeremy." I can practically see the knowing expression on his face.

"Fine. why would that be such a bad thing though?" 

"First off, I'm a guy. Secondly, I work for the enemy agency. And lastly, I'm not a good boyfriend."

"Sexualities are usually flexible especially when someone like you enters the equation and I'm sure youd be a great boyfriend." I say after thinking for a moment, and I hear him sigh, shifting on the other end.

"I'm flattered, but no. And this isnt even an argument worth having I'm headed back in a few hours, and its unlikely you'll ever see me again." Internally that killed some of the hope I had left but dammit if I'm not going to keep trying.

"I will. I'm going to track you down again, better this time." He laughs again, but its not genuine. It never has been.

"I've been evading better men than you my entire life no offense Jer but unless I let you you're not gonna find me." My stomach dropped and I knew he was right.

"Why? Why are you doing this?"

"You know why." He said, straightforward.

"I'm gonna need a better reason than a watered down version of 'thats whats best for you', Michael."

"Alright, I'll tell you every reason I left, the unbridled truth. The biggest one is the fact though it might not seem like it, I'm handling this worse than you, I just hide it better. All these years I was convinced you forgot about me, like all the others and when it turned out you didn't it freaked me out because the one certainty I had in my life got fucked up and it scared me, so I ran." He stopped, but I knew he had more to say and stayed silent.

I heard him take a deep breathe, then continue.

"The next reason I left is the reason I originally planned on sticking to, you needed me to not be there. Then there's the whole 'enemy agent held captive' thing, and I don't do well in captivity, anywhere." He stopped again, and I didn't trust myself to say anything without my voice breaking. "Are you satisfied with that answer?" he asked, and I swallowed the lump in my throat to say,

"No, but I understand." I let out, beginning to pace again. Why didn't this go at all like I thought it would? (im thinkin the same thing jer) "Why couldn't you give this place a chance?"

"From my walk through to the exit, I could tell this place has more rules than I care to follow." He said, and I thought back to the rule book on the desk on my first day. "If the circumstances were different I might've. Trust me, I'd have loved to get to know you again but that cant happen." I'm glad he wants to, but that's not exactly helping in this situation.

I'm stuck. We wont meet again until he wants us to, and I wont be able to keep this phone very long if I don't want to risk getting caught and punished.

"There is a way. An out." He says after a bit of silence.

"What do you mean?" I try and fail to not get my hopes up.

"Given how easy it was to leave, if you're willing to sacrifice contact with your friends, I could arrange for you to fake your death on your next mission. Then I'd get planted in a city somewhere and we get live out our lives in peace." He offers, and it almost sounds too good to be true.

"You'd do that?" I ask hesitantly.

"Of course. But, I need you to think over this. Sleep on it, talk to your friends, if they can keep a secret." He orders, and I nod, adding,

"ok." because he cant see me.

"Alright, goodnight Jeremy."

"Goodnight." He hangs up and I sigh, deleting the evidence of the call and putting the phone back after powering it off.

I go to sleep, thinking over his proposition. I still wanted to agree immediately, even if it meant I could never talk to my friends again. I could still text Jenna, she's always got her phone she's managed to hide from the adults, but contacting them would be dangerous for both sides.