Something Like Family

Problems Only Become Worse if You Ignore Them

        I cried my eyes out once more to a tune I've heard a hundred times before. It was just another lonely night in the bedroom of my apartment. My mind had wandered back to the one regret that would haunt me for the rest of my life. Could I have made the regret into the beautiful thing that I thought it should be, I would. That kind of magic, though, was not in my arsenal. I could only hope that maybe, just maybe, something would change in his mind and he would somehow learn to love me. Crazy hopes and dreams like that only led to tears and heartbreak as I quickly found out. On the nights that my thoughts turned unlucky, I began to wonder what it would have been like had I never met him only to find myself unable to imagine such a life. There was something about him back then that had taken my breath away and kept it. Something that stopped my heart and refused to resuscitate me. It was eight years on the dot and here I laid wishing that things hadn't played out the way they had. I think about wishing that I had never met him just to be met with bashfulness. What was I doing saying that I wished I had never met someone who hadn't even done me wrong?

        My heart broke on those unlucky nights as I reminded myself of what I wish could have been, what I wish could be. My mind asks why not just forget about him where my heart states there's no point in even trying. I've been trying for the last five years to get him out of my heart. Five years having gone by without even seeing his face with my own eyes and not a computer screen. Five years without having heard his voice, heard his laugh. Five years gone by without even being in the same room as him. What was I doing crying myself to sleep over someone I knew I couldn't have? There was no point in my tears, but there I laid with tears running down my cheeks while more formed in my eyes. Soon my eyes would dry up and I'd have nothing left but my thoughts and heartache.

        My eyes eventually found they could cry no more and I laid there, sniffling. My heart still ached just as bad as it had the night before. In fact, it ached worse. I had been lucky enough to not have had my thoughts consumed by my feelings for him last night. I thanked Netflix for having been there with a show to distract me. Tonight had been a different matter as I had just turned off my computer and was choosing to sleep when the thoughts hit me and wouldn't go away. The thoughts of telling him that I thought I might be in love with him? Or that I needed him in my life? That I couldn't imagine a life without him? There was so much I desired to tell him so maybe he could understand the pain I was going through and choose to comfort me, but a dull reminder in my heart kept me from doing so. He and I had never been very close. We weren't when we first met. We weren't now and we probably would never be, even if I did tell him about what I was going through. It was just too much to expect of him. I was the type of person who would only ask you to be there for me if I thought you really cared about me. I knew he wasn't one of them. It hurt me, but I refused to let my hurt overrule my respect for other people's decisions that they made for themselves.

        Being torn between telling him what I was going through and not wanting to trouble him left me in a better spot than the pain I felt from needing him in my life. I could deal with having something I needed to tell him, but respecting his decisions. I couldn't deal with needing him in my life and not having him though. These feelings scared me. I didn't know what I could do to make myself feel better without his help. That had grown hard the year he had left for college. I hadn't seen him since. I tried to make friends that I thought would be great distractions from my feelings for him. I tried to find guys to date and fall in love with just to find that I couldn't. I found that my friends could only serve as distractions if they were able to spend time with me between classes and in the evenings. They had homework. I had homework. It was much too far off to think that either my friends or any other guy would be able to fill the hole in my heart. My heart made sure to remind me almost every day of my feelings that I have for him. I couldn't escape them even if I wanted to. Alcohol only made things worse unless I caught myself around people I didn't know or trust. Alcohol only made me want to call him up and tell him how I felt. Alcohol only made me weaker when I wanted to be stronger.

        There were so many times that alcohol almost sent me to my phone to tell him how I really felt about him. Not some measly "I want to have sex with you" as I had mentioned to him previously with no outside influences. These times were different. I wanted to open the floodgates and tell him how much I needed him, how much strength he gives me just by being in the same room as me, how much I could use a hug from him right now. There was just so much I knew I had to tell him. There was just too much that I needed to get off my chest. Each of these times I managed to get one message to him. Nothing more than a "Hey. What's up?" or "Hey. I've been drinking." Simple messages to get his attention before I opened the floodgates on him. Fortunately for him, he never replied within a few hours of the messages having been sent. It was usually the next morning or maybe even the next afternoon before I heard back from him. It was no big deal. By that time, I had my emotions back in control. Or at least in control enough for me to rid myself of the desire to open the floodgates on him.

        Tonight though, tonight, things were worse. I didn't know if I could continue on hiding my feelings from him. I knew he would never feel the same way towards me and I tried to pretend to be okay with that, for him. But I couldn't keep living with him not knowing these feelings. I couldn't live without him knowing how much he meant to me and how much I needed him. Even if I didn't get him to be a larger part in my life, it was better than not trying at all. If I didn't try at all, I would feel much worse than I would if he rejected me. Rejection would hurt, but it was something I had dealt with many times in my life and something I could deal with. I laid in my bed for hours just staring up at my ceiling fan going round and round wondering if it would be worth it. I knew the answer. I knew that it wouldn't. That's what would keep me from doing what probably needed to be done.