rants

Restraints

So I've been holding this back for a while, and I really need to get it out of my system. Please (to the other two co owners of this account) please don't share this with other people at school. I want this to stay HERE with all the details I put

As many of you know, I'm a fangirl. I'm a HUGE fangirl. My life revolves around my boys (whether it's IRL, 5SOS, 1D, etc). They add so much joy to my lives and make me so much happier. I wasn't upset before, but they just make me that happy. Even today I was looking back at a project from the fifth grade. We had to make little civilizations, and mine was kittylandia, revolving around cats since I had nothing else. My boys have changed me into a person who is less bland.

Now, with that much love comes the urge to talk about them 24/7. I mean, that's what I'm used to. I'm on here and twitter where people WANT to talk about them with me. Hell, my mom even talks to me about them. I'm just hard wired to do that now, and I feel like it's been distancing me from some of my close friends.

Fangirls fangirl, it just happens. Random little things remind me of my boys. "Michael and Brady play the piano too!" "Even with my eyes closed you're beautiful." "You know who's Irish?" "IM SEEING 5SOS IN TWO WEEKS, IRL IN UNDER A MONTH, AND NIALL IN AUGUST." Everything reminds me of them, and it's a beautiful thing, normally. It's starting to seem negative now though.

Some of my closer friends (even some of my closest friends) seem to be getting really annoyed with me lately, and I feel like it's a direct correlation to how I've been more absorbed and in love with my dozen + boys. It's like the more I fangirl, the more people get annoyed with me, or at least a couple specific people. I'm lucky I have such a broad group of friends or else I don't know what'd happen if I was just around the same 3 or 4 people all day. I'd probably loose all of my friends.

Like I'm using one of my closest friends as an example. I felt like I could talk about IRL freely to her, she even ranked them and watched a couple of livestreams and interviews with me. Now, I feel like she's getting tired of it and is starting to just be annoyed with me all the time. In one of my classes I was really proud of getting something done, so I showed her, and she said "I started two days after you and I'm at the same spot" we were in no way in the same spot, but it's just stuff like that. It's starting to become a naturally occurring thing.

Which is why I'm trying to put a restraint on myself for how much I talk about them in person. On here, I'll spill my heart, out, but at school, I'm going to start trying to rail it in to stop annoying people. It sucks, and I hate it, but I feel like it's the only way to get stuff back to how it used to be.

(Gosh I'm crying this isn't fun)

I also have a problem where one of my friends thinks I'm being mean all the time. I don't try to be mean. I try to be the nicest person out there. I don't believe I come off as mean, but she always says I do. It's my regular voice 90% of the time, people even say I look mean before they meet me, but it's different when it's one of your closest friends constantly telling you that. It's emotionally draining. 

Sometimes it reaches the point (with everything) that makes it so I just want to go back to how I used to be. I was quiet and would sit away from other people, and would go for large chunks of time without talking. Part of it is so much easier and simpler. I was that quiet, shy girl that people wouldn't really talk to. Everyone knew who I was and knew I was nice, but I was left by myself for the most part. It just seems like a simpler option with less things that can go wrong .

Instead of going that route since that isn't the way to solve my problems, I've came to the (sad) conclusion that I just need to hold myself back A TON. So like kind of nice myself away around certain people (a few people are still fine) but for the most part I'll stop constantly talking about my boys everywhere and will just try to be more... quiet I guess. It's taking a huge step backwards from how far ive come socially in the past couple of years, but it's necessary now. I mean, going back to that neutral person isn't that bad? I really don't know. It's just been stinging for a while and I want it to stop. It's the easiest option.

Enjoy some pictures of these five guys who make my life so much better. I love all five of them so much.

(And FYI I was like sobbing at the end of writing this aaaagh)

- Ally