Let her go

Five

Five: The deep side of the stupid voice in my head

It's Saturday.

7 days.

One more reason.

Lilian.

Fucking Lilian James.

Honestly, what is up with me?

It's not that I like her that much but, well, she made days in school a lot better.

Kinda.

But now she's gone.

Definitely, and completely, and this won't change anytime soon.

But it's good, right?

It's good for her, and that is all that matters.

I chuckle to myself before picking some grass.

Guess where I am?

Picking grass, my thoughts full of that girl, I can't get her out of my mind, but I should, watching the sun go down over the ocean.

Sunset Bay.

I can't believe it's only been about four weeks since we sat here, her & I, and we laughed, and I felt good.

And now, she left, like all the others did.

God damn, it hurts.

No matter how often you get left, it still hurts every time, every single time so much.

Admit it, Collins, the stupid voice says in my head, you have a crush on that girl.

My eyebrows furrow.

No.

I don't.

Do I?

What even is having a crush?

My eyes wander a bit and stop at the big rocks in the ocean.

Why can't I jump, Dad?

No answer.

There are rocks down there, too, son, and jumping down of this height will break every single bone in your body.

Never he said this, but it just was the truth.

I informed myself about the danger of jumping down here as good as I could, and it's true, it's a deadly jump.

Per-fect.

It's like flying, flying into a better world.

I don't think it will hurt.

Maybe it will, but not as much as it will to stay in this broken, fucked up world.

Nice try to change the theme.

I didn't try to change the theme, the theme is over.

I. Don't. Have. A. Crush. On. Lilian.

Do I?

What is having a crush, again?

It's everything. All those incredible feelings, like a roller coaster that is controlled by the special person, it has ups - that give you wings and let you fly and give you hope & make you imagine all those possibilities; and there are the downs - one word, one ignored text...it seems automatically like the end of it all, that the person doesn't like you, it's all over, and you're done, so done.

And sometimes.... The downs are the actual truth.

It's called a crush, right.

That's exactly how you feel when your crush rejects you; crushed, broken, sad, numb, empty, worthless....So many words to describe, but it's clear.