Well, this is not really a story, it's more like a diary/hidden letter ...
It's been six years now since I've first met you ... I came to your house with my boyfriend, your uncle ... remember?
Instantly, you and I became best friends - even tho you were much, much younger than me ... I always got along great with kids, I don't know why ... but for some reason they liked me ... you liked me ...
Maybe because I was like a child myself - even tho I was 22 back then ... Well, I acted like a child, and not like I was supposed to act, I was 22 ... Hell, I act like a child even now sometimes, six years later ... I don't think I will ever grow up ... Not sure that's a good thing ...
Everyone looked at me as I am some kind of an idiot, or even freak maybe ...But I didn't care ... I was the best student in class back in school, I knew I'm not an idiot, I was just childish, and childishly naive ... I still am, sad to admit ...
I liked to goof around and joke, play with kids...
With you ...
Spend my time with you, talking, joking, walking ...
I always tried to see good in people, in world ... and somehow, they always disappointed me ... Even when I somehow felt they will, I still hoped and saying to myself: 'This will be different' ...
Yea, right, how stupid of me ...
Now, when I'm thinking about everything we've been through, there are some pretty insane and funny memories, but there are a lot of sad ones too ...
Not because you made me sad back then, it's because all the things that were happening to me ... I know you remember ... I remember like they happened yesterday ... And I know you hated him for what he had done to me back then ... hell, I hated him too (not really, but in a way) ... Even six years later, I'm still with him, still hoping everything will be better, he won't hit me anymore, won't yell at me anymore, or squash me as I am a little ant ...
Still believing he'll change ...
Inside I'm hoping I will - someday - get to meet my prince on white horse (even they don't actually exist), that will save me in some way ... any way ...
No such luck, I guess ...
I guess I am trying with my last strength to believe I did deserve something better than this what I have ...
Using my last strength to stay above the water that already reached my nose-height, threatening to drown me ...
But somehow, I feel it's hard to leave him, I've tried, you know I've tried, but the moment his hangover passes and he begs for forgiveness, I forgive ...
You know I used to be very cheerful and happy person before, back then when we met ...
I used to like hanging out with people (even tho' I never drank alcohol, smoked, did drugs, or went out in bars and spent all my nights there - I just didn't see the point in that) ... sure, I did went to disco a few times, danced and had fun, drinking nothing but simple juices ... you don't have to be drunk or high to have fun, I thought ...
I still don't drink, smoke, do drugs or anything like that - and I am so proud of myself for that ... most of my friends fell under the impression those things are good, and they are using at least one of those 'party boosters' - if not all of them ...
Today, I am not so cheerful and happy anymore ... sure, I pretend around other people I am, but I know I'm not ...
I fell in depression and I'm trying to get myself out of it doing a lot of different things...
