After the Empire (Complete)

17 - Aelin

I open my eyes to find Nox perched beside my bed, eyes fixed on me. I shoot him a half smirk.

"Stare all you like darling, I've got nothing to hide"

I swear Nox's mouth twitches, just for a moment, into a smile. 

Then it's gone and he says "Are you rested enough to leave now?"

I roll my eyes and go to swing my legs out of bed, forgetting in my haste about my injuries. The movement sets off a wave of pain though my back, causing black spots to dance in my eyes. 

I grit my teeth and steady myself with a hand on the bed, slowly forcing myself to stand. The pain is worse than yesterday, as though the rest has let the injuries catch up with me. 

I force myself to ignore it, meeting Nox's mildly curious gaze with a sharp one of my own. "kicking me out without any food at all. What a gentleman you are Nox." I say, forcing my voice to hold steady. 

Nox's only reaction to my tone is a single blink, a move I learned from Arrobyn. When you're surprised, give yourself one blink to reorient before you react. It's saved my life in a thousand precarious situations, when a slip in character means your life. It's very odd to see it now on Nox's face. 

"Fine," Nox says finally, his perfect mask back in place, "would you care to dine with me, your majesty, or would you like your dinner brought up on a silver tray by the maid?"

I level a glare at him, then walk out of the room. I follow the same path we took last night to get here, half remembering having seen a kitchen. I'm walking slower than normal and my steps are smaller, but so far I'm avoiding limping. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep that up though.

After a few moments Nox overtakes me, walking past me and sliding through a large wooden door. I follow, cursing my new slowness. Being this slow is dangerous, and I know it.  In a fight, a few seconds means your life. 

A single though keeps popping into my head, unbidden. 

What if it doesn't get better?

What if there's nothing that can be done? What if I'm stuck like this, in pain and half crippled, for the rest of my life. I can barely walk, how the hell am I supposed to fight a war against two monsters as old as time itself?

But I force that thought away. I will not think about that until I have to, until it has been proven beyond a doubt that it cannot be fixed, until R-

"So what is there to eat?" I say, my voice a touch louder than is probably necessary in the small room. 

I cannot think like that. I cannot let myself remember. Not here. Not now. 

Nox glares at me over his shoulder. "Bread" he says, pointing, "Butter, apples."

Then he plunks a cup of water in front of me and sets about the business of cobbling together his own breakfast. 

I grab an apple and a slice of bread and lower myself gently into a chair. The bread is thick and a touch stale and the apple has a bruise on one side, but it's better food than I've had in months. I savour the flavour of it on my tongue, the feeling of something other than moldy gruel sliding down my throat. I smile, and it feels strange. Like I haven't done it in months. 

I suppose that I haven't.

I look up to find Nox's eyes on me, the look on his face considering. 

"What?" I ask through a mouthful of bread. 

"I was just thinking that it's odd." he says, his voice pensive "You were kind to me, during the trials, and I think despite everything you're a good woman, at least you used to be. But you never struck me as the kind who would ever want to be a leader. Too many other people to be accountable too, to many responsibilities that had nothing to do with what actually had to be done. And now you're saying you're going to be the queen of a country, a leader in the world. It's just odd."

I don't say anything for a long moment, considering his words. He isn't wrong, the girl that he knew as me would never have wanted this, or anything like it. In fact, she had spent her entire life running as fast as she could away from anything resembling responsibility. I could lie, could smirk and tell him to keep his stray thoughts to himself. But somehow, I feel as though I owe him better than that. Somehow I feel like he has earned the truth, at least part of it. 

Finally I say, "I learned that there are things in this world so much more important than me getting to do whatever I want, whenever I want; people and places and ideas worth anything it takes to protect them. I'm only one person, and if the cost of my freedom is the lives of thousands of innocent people, then that cost is too high. 

Nox looks at me again, his eyebrows drawn in. 

"Don't you think that your people deserve a queen who wants to lead them, not one who feels obligated to?" he says.

I take a bite out of my apple to give myself time to think of an appropriate answer. 

He isn't wrong, and it isn't as though I haven't though of it before. 

After a long, long pause I say "Maybe you're right, maybe I'm not the queen they deserve. But I'm the queen they have, I'm all they have. And I'm going to free them, protect them, regardless of what happens afterwards."

Nox looks at me for a long, long moment, then smiles. A real smile. 

"You're still a good woman, under all that, aren't you Celaena. Aelin." he says. 

"Don't tell anyone" I say.

I push myself out the chair, nearly gasping with the pain, and make my way towards the door. From behind me Nox says "You're not going to last the day alone, you know that right?"

I turn back to him, tensing for an attack. "What do you mean by that?"

Nox looks at me coldly. "You're not doing as well as you think you are at hiding how much pain you're in. Not a damn chance you could defend yourself against any kind of attack right now."

I purse my lips and say "So what exactly am I supposed to do? There are places I need to be, people I need to find. And besides, it's not like I'm just going to stay here."

"I wasn't suggesting you not go" Nox says, "I was simply suggesting that you not go alone."

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