MindFragments

dreams

Today is not really a good day. I mean, it is but I just got so excited about the future and what I want to do and where I want to live that I just got sad about the present, melancholy. I watched one of those teen movies that fill me up with emotions and make me want to live in that type of life. 

I think nobody really cares about me and all of my family thinks I'm so boring and lazy. My sister kinda hates me sometimes and has so much influence on my other sister that I get insults and bad comments from both and that just makes me want to cry sometimes. But they're right. I take everything too personal. I am weak. I am boring. I definitely don't have an interesting life. The other day my mother told me she thinks she was too harsh on me and I turned out to be really gentle and good person, but she meant it in a bad way and I am confused now, isn't that what every mother wants? A good daughter who is respectful and calm? I felt so related to the part in Love, Simon when Leah says she feels like she can't ever fit in and is always on the outside. I don't even think my father really knows me and has the interest to do so, I feel like he just considers me as a really boring teenager who tries too hard. I open up to my mother and consider myself to be cool around her but I guess I'm just not. 

And I just spent the last 20 minutes crying and talking to myself in a language that's not even my native but that's just the way my mind works. I feel like I don't have anybody. And I'll probably hate myself tomorrow for crying because my eyes will look horrible and just me. My mother doesn't deserve to have a daughter who doesn't appreciate herself and I just feel so selfish.