Mood Ring

Mood Ring

When thinking of love, I sought for another version of me. Indistinguishable from myself and simultaneously unique. But to find said person, I had to let go of who I had been all along.

The darkness surrounded me like thick fog, embracing my ankles and bonding me to the ground. Others would've been disturbed by this feeling, but for me it was nothing new, more like a constant reminder that I had got used to much too quickly. It spread further in every direction, moving through me and continuously filling my organs with every second that passed until it had replaced the air I used to breathe. Only at this point I was sure to be able to face the way that lied before me and I carefully set my first foot forward. It wasn't walking what I produced here, more some sort of unsteady toddling like the one of a small child which was constantly competing with gravity itself. As I made my way through the streets, I walked by a younger woman. She wore a red dress and had quite a pretty face. Her beauty was only topped by her smile which shone through the darkness, shedding some light in this cold night. I took it, with only one glance into her eyes and without hesitation. I could hear her emotionally collapsing behind my back, how the beauty faded and made place for uncertainty and doubt. I didn't do it on purpose, I swear. But it was something I had to do, like the birds have to fly south when winter comes, it's an instinct of survival. But since I couldn't die, it wasn't a question of survival, rather one of balance. I often spent days moving through the cracks of this fragile system which was held together by its individuals but stood on weak ground due to their incapability to separate between "want" and "need". So I spent my time fixing those little miscalculations and bringing the world back into balance.

By the time I had made my way across the street, I had already forgotten about the girl and her fading smile. I had to move on, no matter the costs. Because in the end, I would see most of them again to tell them final good-byes they never asked for. It was an ungrateful existence I tried to live up to and I never chose it to be mine. But once you're in, you have to make your way through life by yourself I guess. And I was proud I had made it that far without getting it much too complicated, beside the fact that my life was shattered in pieces. But some like me see great order in deep chaos.

My thoughts revolved while I was pacing forward on the dark road, the rain and wind constantly tweaking my face. There were no other beings on my way and I had to admit to myself that I liked such nights the most. And as often as I wished those moments wouldn't pass as quickly as they did, I slowed down my pace in order to fully grasp the beauty around me. It was pitch black, if one ignored the meager light served by the street lamps, and my eyes had already given up on trying to give me the slightest sense of vision; Only my other senses could feel the night in all its depth and reach. That's why I rarely used my eyes in the first place: They had become obsolete for my species compared to the rest of the body, they were just a little wit by mother nature herself to make us believe we still had some sort of sense of acknowledgement. But frankly, they lost their purpose long ago when we started to reproduce over the point of natural selection. What used to be an instrument of observation had been degraded to a misused tool of compare and judgement. The look into somebody's eyes lost its meaning of respect and had been replaced by a simple habit of simulated politeness.

No, I wasn't a pessimist for saying such things as first thoughts may suggest. As much as I hated the irony for using this phrase; I just looked at the world through different eyes. And it was a rather comfortable kind of world view which came with few care for others and lots of objectivity and rational thinking. I wasn't held up by emotions or similar. They called me cold-hearted or even heartless, even though the heart had nothing to do with that matter. Thus, proving the distraction of the human mind by inferior processes, that are mainly based on hormones, to be one of the most annoying side effects of so-called emotions. Empathy, mostly I'd say, was a sickness that clouded minds and produced alternatives of truth or reality that moved away from what was practical and, therefore, logical. But humans were confusing sometimes and I still couldn't comprehend all their actions and thoughts, despite the fact I had lived among them for a long time and had grown to basically understand their irrational notions.