Lovesick Fool. [ S.T.H ]

Entry Two.

Every Morning, You Are Nowhere To Be Found.

Sonic T. Hedgehog
April 24th.
8:14 pm.

— It's been a couple days since I've written one of these. I never knew that writing it could make venting easier, since days have just gotten harder. Well, as an update, the past couple days have been slow as hell. Eggman has constantly attacked & just like every other time, I have taken him done. I hear Möbians scream my name, chanting my name & telling me how amazing I did. I hear crowds clap for my accomplishments and watch their spirits lift up knowing that they will be okay as long as I'm here to devote my life to their safety. It's what a hero does. It's what I do. Is it fun? Of course. Will I ever stop? Probably not. Who am I doing it for? Everyone, of course. Who anyone do it for me? Probably not. It's hard to fight for people when you already struggle to keep yourself together. To fight for what you want. Something I lack.

Waking up these past few days had been rough. I'd wake up to my eyes feeling sore, like my eyebags were gaining weight each day. I hated crying. It was the truth. But damn, I've cried more times these few days then I have in the past five years. My whole body still ached, especially close to my stomach. My gut felt like it had been flipped inside out and backwards. It made me feel vulnerable on how I let my mind control my whole body, where if I'm sad in my brain, I'm sad everywhere. It didn't help much that I was hungry, but everytime I'd sneak downstairs to grab a bite, the lump in my throat would stop me. My gag reflexes were weak and my gut would probably send the food right back up. It made me feel sick even thinking about food. Even my classic chili dog just made me want to vomit. So now I've just felt tired and bland, like a grey wall in a dark room. There was no light, except for my emerald eyes glowing in the dark with my foggy eyes adding some red to the mix.

I haven't faced Tails lately. Ever since the 21st, I've fought Eggman, then ran off. I would run to all sorts of places, since running & exploring has always been my get away when I have a rough experience. Suddenly, I stopped. I just found myself slouching on my bed for the past two days. In the pitch dark, with nothing, but the sound of my breathing. Soft, slow breaths. Shaking, weak breaths. Occasional sobs here and there. Everywhere I ran, everywhere I explored, every thought ran back to her. Every memory would somehow plant a seed into my brain and would make my eyes burn. I ran to her home to confront her, but she wasn't even home. So, running didn't help. Not in the slightest bit. It was like my whole world was being haunted by my heart. Of course I've seen Tails, we fight beside each other at almost every battle against Eggman, but not actual eye contact. He'd think I was high or something since my eyes have been nothing but faded red and outlined black from my eyebags. No communication. At all. I don't think he's noticed much, which is what I wanted. I didn't want his attention, let alone anyone's at this point. Except for hers. What I would do to see her smile.

I never truly got to explain even my relationship in here. Just how it was washed away. How I put my all into this girl while she would do the same for me. She gave me the faith that I was loved. That I had someone to hold me tight and cuddle me close. Someone who I could share all my secrets to and not too nervous around. Someone that would give me surprise kisses and whisper messages in my ear, that would make my whole week worthwhile, knowing that after every battle, they'd be waiting for me. Someone who I could be intimate with and appreciate all of their flaws while they accepted and let me embrace mine. Someone who wasn't planning just to stay for the night, someone who wanted to stay with me every night. Someone that I could wake up to every morning. I had it all. She was the one. Her and I never had big issues. Of course we'd disagree on things just like everyone else and I'd drive her crazy while her cheeks would puff up from being stubborn, but we never had difficulties in our relationship. If anything was wrong, we'd talk. We weren't afraid to do that. Hell, we'd talk all night. And not on the phone, always in person. Where it was more valuable and real. When I ever saw tears gaze on her eyes, I'd wrap her up in blankets and had her rest against me and vent, all night if she had to. She'd do the same for me. We always talked. She was there for me. Always. We weren't new to a relationship, we dated for over a year. So what killed me was that, if she wanted to leave me, why didn't she just tell me? Tell me that she wanted to end what I thought we had. Why would she leave me here to go through every damn memory and make me think, 'what could I have done differently?' What could I have said to not make her want to second guess on our relationship. Make me feel that all I ever did for her, wasn't good enough. I gave her my all and she gave me away.

The sun had just set about twenty minutes ago and all I could hear was the silence of night. The crickets chirping and the soft wind blowing against the green leaves. The night seemed the most quiet and peaceful. Möbius slept quietly and peacefully. Like any other night. It was another night I was going to lay alone in the dark. With my head pounding, eyes burning, stomach aching, and my heart throbbing, barely beating. I was always so used to sleeping alone, trust me. I did it for years, whether it was on Tails' couch or under the open sky, I slept perfect fine on my own. Now, the dark seems so alone. So frightening. I was so used to have someone to hold onto and them holding onto me. It was the best feeling in the world. It felt so warm and no matter where it was, you always felt like you were home. You belonged in their arms. Now, it just felt so bitter, even under hundreds of blankets. Everything I did, revolved back to her. I couldn't even sleep, no matter how hungry and tired I truly was. I felt possessed, like I was just a body without a heart and soul.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow and go through the same pain. Please don't leave me here. You have no idea how much I need you. Don't let me wake up tomorrow and you not be anywhere to be found. Please.

- S.T.H

« Hey, everyone! Here is the second entry and I'm pretty proud with how this is going. It's a shame that this won't be a super long book, since I'm only seeing about six more pages? There's only so much I can add until it seems like it's been repeated. Don't worry though, each entry's going to get more interesting and intense and give off more answers. Until then, I'll be working on the third entry. I'm also going to start a new book very soon & it'll be a lot more happier, I promise. I also have another Wattpad so I have a couple things to work on. »