Something I said to Damien: Please don't hurt yourself. You mean so much To me than you even know. You doing this does not put me in the right state of mind and I makes me feel worse and worse about myself knowing that I can't be there to help you in anyway. Please. Please stop. I know I do things that aren't right to myself but that doesn't mean you do, I understand times are hard but you just have to pull through. I know it's funny that I say this when you're the one who told me many times about it. Just know that it beating yourself is not the right way. Or hurting yourself and I regret doing that. I don't care what your decision making is with you and Billie But I want you to be happy. And whatever makes you happy will make me happy no matter what. Just know that if anything happens to you that it means a lot to me and impacts how I feel and everything. You were the first one that encouraged me and opening up to everyone, you're even the one who told me to go after Jeramiah. Which I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have done but it's over and done with and so there's nothing to do about it now. I know this sounds weird but I do love you, OK? Please have a better night of your day and get good rest. Promise me you won't do anything else. Like after reading this just stop and don't do it again please. You said you would repeat one of your past years and that's not OK please. Stop!❤️ Something from a long time ago: Today was honestly a great day. Thanks to my wonderful friends❤️ Thank you guys so much for welcoming me here to my new home and making feel normal. Before I was close with you guys I always felt lost. But now I found myself. And you all mean to me so fucking much! Since I forgot 11:11 this morning Here is the appreciation post❤️ (Jeremiah, Damien, Gwen, Jordan, Billie, Tessa) Also all my other friends back at my other homes❤️ I miss you all like crazy! Everyone who Has ever became my friend will always be or mean something to me! Love youse♥️ Something that happened after mine and Jeremiahs break up: I can't stand myself anymore. I just want to die. I never have felt so happy and so suicidal in my life. This is the hardest break up ever in my life. I just can't stand this pain. I have lost hope and honestly have stopped caring. One way that shows I don't care is the whole fact that I keep cutting. And these marks hurt everyday. Less and Less until I do more. It's my relief. The only thing that makes me sane right now. My entire life I have had so much pain. I never got to know what my dad was like. Once I did my closest friend ruined that. I may not see him til I'm 16. Which means he would have missed 15 years of my life. And to top that I feel used. The one person I fall for that really gets me makes me hurt so much. And I just don't understand why or how I feel this way. I miss him so much. He was everything to me, I gave up almost everything for him. My friends, my relationship, my own family. And this hurts to much to even believe anymore. I just wish he would stay with me. He always makes me happy. Without him I have nothing. With nothing there is no reason for existence for me anymore. Honestly what's the point anymore. What's the whole thing of living. Without something to live for there is absolutely nothing. And I feel like he doesn't give a damn about me. I hurt so much. The only way I can cope with this is either cut myself so much until I bleed to death or just end it all. I miss my sisters and family so much. They were all I had. Besides my friends which were always there for me. Some used me only for themselves. I miss the old friends that were always there for me. The ones that cared about me so much. The ones that helped me through the hard times. I miss them so much and I just want to go see them but I cant. Just like I can't go see my own father because of a fucking whore who didn't care if I never saw any of my family members again. I just want to die. But I'm scared. I'm not afraid of dying or what it is like after words. I'm scared of not living my life to the fullest potential I have. Or the best times I will have. This weekend I thought My life wouldn't become any worse but him leaving me is worse than anything in the word. The one thing that really hurts is that I was never opened to anyone about being Bisexual, only a very few knew about it. And now everyone knows and the names just roll in.. Gay, Fag, Queer, Faggot, and more. Words hurt more than any other pain. Everytime saying you like someone or love them so much but break up with them. I just want to cry right now but my eyes are so dry from last night. And typing this out is the only thing that helps me cope. Without my blade or anything my feelings just stay inside and boil up. No matter what I do anymore nothing ever good comes out of it. I'm just done with everyone asking if I'm ok. Do I look ok? No. Mhm k there is your answer. My entire friend group is just tearing apart all because of that one person. And somehow I still have feelings for him. Which is something I don't understand. Everyone says I need to forget him but I just can't. I don't know why but I just can't. To much has happened with him for me to just let go. We never had that much but we had is what I'm still holding on too. Which is why I'm in such pain. After writing this and I showed him he tried to blackmail me. Ye everyone said he wasn't going to but he only saved it cause I have his nudes which is just bullshit. I only wish he knew my pain and heartache. I just wish he knew how much he means to me. Like seriously. Why does every time I get or feel like they are the one it never stays ever. Only lasts then it's gone and the sadness and heartache is back. I have some much Inside that hurts I don't even know why anymore. He was nothing. Just some asshole. But yet some how I still have feelings for him after everything he has done to me. After all the pain he is making me go through. And It just makes no sense. My friends keep telling me to not keep trying and to just give up but I don't want to. At all. I want to keep going til it crushes me so much I can't take it anymore and just end it all. But why am I like this?? My days go from being amazing to being the absolute worst. And I just don't know how I can stand it anymore. Even after everything he doesn't even consider a second chance.. that hurts so much. I should haven't let everything happen so fast. I should have slowed them down. Otherwise everything would be ok. Ugh I'm such a fuck up. I'm just done with life honestly at this point.. I just don't see the point anymore. I have just given up now. And this depressing music doesn't help anything. Listening to all of this just makes it worse. I'm still dehydrated after all this crying and my eyes are so dry if I'm lucky I'll be able to shed a tear. But being tired and in so much pain I don't think it helps anything. On top of it all my dad has moved further from me. I just want to see him and my sisters so bad. They were everything I had. And now after everything Jeramiah likes to just talk shit. He tells everyone I'm crying and cutting like a little bitch and need to get over it. Like well I'm sorry I have had so much of a shitty life that you just happen to top it and want me to actually die. Like wow.. just fucking wow. I'm just about done with everything. I have said that a lot but this is so much that every time I say it, it takes me closer and closer to ending it all. There is nothing left to even live for everyone says that I have to live for them. Well even if I did end it all you would just morn and forget about it just like everyone else. Everyone forgets. My days just get worse and worse. Last night I got maybe 3 hours of sleep. My eyes are completely blood shot. My leg burns like it's on fire. And my entire body aches in pain. My body can't take this, my brain can't take this. It's just all too much. Finally a I have been feeling a little bit better but as the days go on it all falls apart. Jeremiah amiah has hurt all my friends and so just sit here and let it happen. I don't know why I do. He has influenced the break up between Damien and Billie. Billie is so hurt. She is in the hospital for hurting herself. She might end up going to the mental hospital for a few weeks. I feel guilty too for it. I influenced it by having feelings for Damien. And that kills her. Imagine if she found out I kissed him. I don't know if she could bare that information. Last night I cried for hours. And I don't even know why. It's all just so much. Tomorrow I might confront Jeremiah of this bullshit. I'm done with him. He is slowly prying away my best friend Gwen's relationship. And it's hurting her so much. And he sits at the table like everything is fine. But he knows every time he sits there is makes Gwen and Krash drift farther apart. If he is there tomorrow I'm going to tell him to leave. If he doesn't I'm going to flip my shit and just burst. Which isn't a good thing but it has to happen. Nobody understands how things are. I smile when people ask if everything is ok. But inside I'm dying. Trying to get help but refusing what is recommended. This is all a lot. Nobody sees your tears, nobody sees how much it hurts. Someone commented on my story about how I need to get over myself that it Is getting annoying when I post all this depressing stuff. Well I'm sorry don't you get the hint!? Im not fucking ok! But I am.. I think. I don't know. It's been almost a week since I have hurt myself. And they are turning into scars. Every time I look at them I want more. I just crave the blood flow. I crave the tingly feeling. But I need to hold it in because in P.E. Someone saw them and I need them to heal cause soon is our physical bullshit. And I can't let the teacher see them. I don't want to end up in juvie or in the mental hospital. I just can't bare that. I sit in a class room and look around on how happy people are while I'm here inside dying from all this and how no one else knows. I have never realized that I have anxiety. But it has been getting worse and worse. It's almost unbearable. Sometimes I just want to cry for no reason. But I have ahead so much tears that I feel if I shed one more it would be blood. It just hurts so much and I would, like everyone says to do, cry a actual fucking river. Which honestly is fucked up because that isn't possible really. But if it was it would have happened and my room would have been a fucking aquarium. No joke. Which is kind of sad but i don't know.
