Faux Bastard

Chapter 13

The following week went by quickly and I'm stuck doing the same old usual routine every single day. I manage to avoid seeing Hunter by hiding in the kitchen area whenever he performs and succeed, to say the least. Though his singing voice can be clearly heard from where I was hiding, I guess it's not bad to enjoy his beautiful talent. He's clearly gifted, no doubt, but he starts a fire in me whenever I see him. It wasn't a good kind of fire either; it's the kind that makes you want to grab everything in sight and throw it on his face–his beautiful smug face. I can't bare another negativity in my life at this moment so it's best to just avoid the primary source; Hunter freakin Cole. I'm ready to heal, to start new, and I somehow manage to lit a little light of hope inside of me and I determine to let it grow brighter.  

I've been seeking advise from everyone I can put my trust on, to get a new perspective in life. Sometimes talking about your personal issues to people isn't the easiest thing to do, it opens up the deepest wound that you've sewn so tight. But if there's anything I learn, I just need to find the strength to open the wound, stick my hands inside and pull out the core of pain that is holding me in the past and make peace with it.

I've been in pain. Mostly because I blame myself for the death of my own life; Eli Green is and will always be my first true love. A week before his death, we had a big fight and I demand for us to take a break. Eli doesn't took it well which led him to flee to another country for a few days. If I had known a car accident in another country would took his life, I would never let him go. If only I had known the last time I would see him would in our living room, shouting profanities to each other, I would hold him for dear life. If only...

Guilt. It's what eats me alive. And I can't do anything to fix the damages. It's never to late to do the right thing they say, but for me, it is. It's too late and I can't do anything about it.

I don't even remember what were we fighting about, we were both so angry at each other. But I remember all the shouting and yelling, and things being thrown off the shelf. They say we're the author of our own life's story, but the piercing sound of delicate china being shattered to the cold tile being the last memory of us is not how I want our story to end.

The grief was horrible, it was even worse when people gave their condolences. It was merely a reminder that a part of me has died. First comes the numb. Then comes the anger. Afterwards comes the depression. The last one should be the acceptance. One year has passed and I don't seem to get to the last stage yet. Though I can feel it slowly creeping in me. Time couldn't be more wrong. I lost every sense of strength I had in me and I never face the world in the same way again. Oh, people have been caring. All of the people, everyone has been very careful to use calming tone, including my name, making sure to make me feel like an individual. I can see it, see in their eyes how I am now different. I decide then and there that I couldn't possibly love again.     

That was the last straw. I need to get away from that shithole. I need to be in a place where people would stop treating me like I was a five months old who needs all the love in the world. I need a new place where every single damn thing doesn't remind me of Eli. 

That's when I first stepped foot in French Quarter eleven months ago. The place that I call home now. 

"Everything will be okay, you know that right?" Nadine asks a few minutes later, raising her voice to be heard over the growing noise in the cafeteria.

I can only manage to nod and give her my best sincere smile. I have decided to give Tom a chance and we will be going out next week. To say I'm nervous is a hell of an understatement. Nadine and I have been talking about it during our lunch and I need to start taking charge on my own life again and if a date with Tom would be my breakthrough, so be it.

"You don't really know this guy. Just please promise me to be very careful, for your own sake," her voice is full of concern and I can sense a slight worry from her expression.

"I will. I promise." 

I may have forgotten what it feels like to love someone endlessly but if it wasn't for my two close friends, I would have also forgotten how nice it was to be loved. This date with Tom, it might be a good idea after all. I've been saying a lot of no I almost sound like a broken record. One date couldn't possibly hurt anyone, could it? I just want to be the better version of myself. I know I'm more than just this, I know there's something or possibly someone for me out there that can help me. Sometimes you just know.