If I Could Tell Her

You were sitting on the front porch of the building that housed you since you were little, not finding it in your heart to cry. You ran out of tears hours ago.

Now, you were just confused. How were you supposed to react? Yeah, he was your brother. You loved him. You missed him when he shipped out. You wrote a little note to him when your family got together and wrote a letter to send to him, signing your name in fancy cursive writing below to show it was yours. And you mourned when you got the condolence letter.

But you weren't close. You never were. He was just a few years older than you, you were never into the same things. Any time he came home to visit your younger siblings, you just smiled and gave him a nod while you sat on the couch reading.

You regret that. It's like one of those themes you learned about in school, "You never realize what you have until it's gone".

"He really loved you ya know," a sudden voice startled you, but only for a second before you recognized the source. You didn't bother to turn around, staring at the same blade of grass. "He talked about you all the time."

"My brother? Really?" you asked unenthused.

Steve finally bent down and sat next to you on the concrete steps, dressed in his dark green army uniform.

"Yeah, definitely!" he confirmed.

"How? What could he possibly have said about me?" You shook your head, finally turning to look at him, your eyes squinting.

"Well," he started, looking back at the flowers growing in the garden as if he were thinking. After a minute of silence, you were sure it was hopeless, only for Steve to talk over your thoughts. "He loved your smile." He turned his head back to face you.

"Seriously!" he laughed when you giggled shaking your head at the corniness. "I think it was his favorite thing about you. Always said he treasured every moment he had the pleasure of seeing it." you smiled at his words, appreciating his attempts to make you feel better when you knew damn well he was hurting just as much, if not more than, you.

"If that's how he felt, then why didn't he ever tell me? Or barely talk to me?" you questioned.

"I guess he didn't know how. But he sure as hell thought about it," Steve muttered the last part more to himself than he did to you.

"I think it was just the fact you were never close, he didn't feel he could confide in you, maybe you would... judge him, or something," he was at a loss for words.

It was quiet for a moment before you spoke again.

"Did- did he say anything else?" you ask him, genuinely curious.

"About you?" he responds. Your mind pauses for a beat before trying to take it back.

"You know what nevermind- I don't even care-"

"No, no, no, just he said a lot and I'm trying to think of the best ones," he quickly interjected, as if trying to convince himself.

"He always talked about how you loved dancing. But, not regular dancing that you see all the other couples doing down at the Dance Hall. Real dancing." he went on, "How you dance like you just don't care. You never take it too seriously, you're always laughing. It's like- you don't care who you're with or who's watching. It's always clear that you're having fun."

You didn't know what to say to that. Words couldn't describe how much his words meant to you.

"It's just-," you stopped, carefully planning your next words, "He seemed so far away. It was like- I don't know. It was as if he were on a different planet."

"Well, how do you speak to somebody from a different planet?" Steve asked. "If you were never close in the first place, how was he supposed to tell you how much you meant to him? Tell you he loved you?"

He had a point. How was he supposed to tell you if you didn't give him the chance to?

"Yeah, I guess you're right," you gave in to him. "Thank you, Stevie."

He delayed for a second as if thinking about his next actions. Finally, he did what he felt right.

He leaned in and before you knew it, his lips were on yours.

Time seemed to stand still, the world stopped spinning. Neither of you moved from your position until he pulled back, both of you taking your chance to draw a breath.

"I love you."