Am I wrong for wanting more out of my depressing life? For wanting all my demons to pack their bags and just fucking disappear? I pray to God everyday that my life will change and still nothing changes. My mom is still dead and my dad is still drinking all the time. And I'm still a failure---at life, at everything.
It's like when I feel like I'm getting one step ahead, something pushes me ten steps back, and then I'm starting over farther back than I was before. It's so unfair. Why is life so unfair to me? Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this? If only I was born into a different part of the world and a different family things would be just that---different. Or maybe not. But I guess that doesn't matter now, because I can never change that.
My head spins at the thought that I will always be stuck in this dreadful cycle of my life. It's almost as if I'm cursed. Like damn, it's not my fault I was born. In fact, I wish I was never born. Right now, I wish I could just disappear, like, 'poof'--- gone into thin air. But things like that only happen in movies.
Then suddenly, I'm knocked out of my dream of a better life. I mean literally knocked right out of my chair. The classroom comes back into view in the weirdest way, and I struggle to gain my balance. It appears the teacher is not in the classroom and all eyes are on me and Tim Burkley, the guy I'm assuming shoved me out of my chair.
"W-what do you want?" My voice comes out in a low quiver. I've realized that I'm scared out of my mind. Tim Burkley is a big guy and I'm not dumb enough to think that I can take him on.
"I said, 'What was you doing talking to my girl Harley?'" Tim's large figure was towering over me now.
I didn't know what else to say. I could only muster an apology and an,'I won't do it again.'
It wasn't my fault she wanted to talk to me. I was just minding my own business, trying to get to my next class when she literally came out of nowhere asking me about my plans for this weekend. Apparently she's supposed to be throwing a party and she wants me to come. I told her,' I'll think about it.' But if I knew that would get me into trouble with Tim Burkley, I would have ignored her ass.
The door knob clicks and everyone pretends to be working on the assignment and Tim quickly sits back into his seat. But I'm too slow and shaken up, so the teacher catches me getting off of the floor to sit down.
She gives me a look that says,'I'll see you in detention after school.' And I just lower my eyes to the assignment in front of me like a guilty puppy.
When the bell rings, signalling the end of the class and school day, Mrs. Wright hands me a pink detention slip. Don't know why she did that, because her class is detention. I'm guessing she was just trying to be petty.
I can't even focus on the punishment she's given me. I can only think of home and the problems I'll have when I get there. The thought just makes me not want to go home at all. Maybe I should run away. But where would I go? No one cares enough to want me.
Detention ends, and I'm dreading the sight of the white, brown roofed, 'ratchet' house on the corner of Cross Street.
