God, It's been over a month.
I still can't let go
I have some lucky days where he's just a haze
A memory buried deep in snow
A day where I think of him once or twice is rare
Every other day he's still on my mind
The pain of heartbreak bites at my stomach
Kind of like hunger
I literally feel empty now.
Like theres a giant hole in my chest threatening to take my life
I'd rather that happen most days than to continue to feel this pain and suffer from memories
I keep telling myself "you can do better than him"
I keep coming back to the fact that in my mind,
There's no one better than him
I don't want anyone else.
I would choose him still,
Over life
Over fortune
Over fame
Over family and friends
Over everything.
I'm not being a stupid teenager
And no one understands my pain
No one can make me feel better.
The only person who has ever made me feel okay when I'm sad is Cole.
I said his name.
He was my best friend
No one even has a clue
I loved him
I looked at him as my family
I really, honestly did.
I couldn't even imagine my future without him
And I thought he felt the same
Right.
Like he has the capability of love.
We had cute plans about college.
He was going to take a year off after high school so that we could go in as freshman together
We were going to get an apartment
Then that christmas, we were going to get a puppy
Just like the one he has at his house
We were going to finish college together and make good money
And then we wanted to have two kids named Edward, and Katherine.
He used to tell me "You won't ever have to work a day in your life, baby."
God, I beleived he felt that way.
And not a single person truely understands
Not a single person I know has been so in love
I knew I got attatched easily
I never thought I'd actually like him though.
I don't believe in god, so when I pray it means I'm desperate.
I still pray every night that things will go wrong for them
That somehow a miracle will happen.
That he'll love me again
He'll come crawling back saying he's sorry,
That I'm the one.
I would have to reject though
Just to show some strength
To show him that I have my gaurd up now and it's not coming down
Maybe never.
When it takes 5 months to fully trust someone,
And they break every promise they've ever made,
When you find out all of his feelings and what he said was lies,
You learn your lesson.
My gaurd is up,
And I'm watching out.
Because love sucks.
