Positive

This is my entry to Avylinn's gay love competition. I hope you enjoy it.

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"I'm positive."

Jerry let out a resigned sigh after his words, but I was stunned into silence. Tears began to pool in my eyes. How could he just come out and say it like that? Shouldn't he have told me to sit down first?

"Sam."

I snapped out of my stupor to find that he'd taken my hands in his.

"You should get yourself tested again in a few weeks, just in case. I know we've been safe so far, but there's still a small chance..."

Why was he talking about me? I wasn't the one that was... I couldn't even think it.

"Anyway, I'll understand if you don't want to see me anymore." He was looking at me with a sad sincerity, but I still couldn't quite understand what he was saying.

"What? Why?"

His look changed to exasperated and angry. "Didn't you hear anything I just said?" I nodded dumbly, so he rushed on. "How can we possibly continue this? I've already put you at risk, for God's sake!"

I saw it then, the guilt. Jerry wasn't upset for himself, but for me. And as much as I would have liked to think I was upset for Jerry, I knew that wasn't the case. My emotions were purely selfish; I was upset at the idea of losing him.

"No, Jerry, I don't want to break up," I told him.

"You don't?"

Ah, my sweet Jerry looked so vulnerable. It made me even more confident in my decision. "No, I don't."

***

We were only twenty-two, then. In the midst of anthrax scares, and the attack on the Twin Towers, Jerry and I faced our own struggle against a disease that, less than ten years prior, used to be a death sentence. A handful of pills were all that kept Jerry from that fate.

By the next year, we both had good jobs. I worked as an office manager, and Jerry as an accountant. I used to poke fun at him for having to do such boring work, but he'd just smirk at me and say, "At least the numbers don't bitch and moan, like your coworkers." He had me there.

In May, we had our first fight since he was diagnosed. We were celebrating our one year anniversary. I took him on a helicopter ride around the city, and then to dinner at one of the most exclusive restaurants, where we were served their twelve course degustation menu.

"Dinner was wonderful. Thank you," Jerry said with a smile on his face. That was the smile I fell in love with.

"The night isn't over yet," I replied.

Taking him by the hand, I led him into his bedroom. With a little persuasion, I'd gotten his neighbor to help me set the mood. The candlelight flickered, illuminating the white rose petals sprinkled atop the bed linens. A champagne bottle sat nestled in crushed ice, beside a bowl of fresh strawberries. The whole thing was cliché as hell, but Jerry was a hopeless romantic.

"Sam, it's beautiful."

The words were right, but there was such a look of regret on his face that I worried I'd stepped in something.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

He sighed. "You know we can't do anything."

I sighed. Our relationship had been celibate since he was diagnosed. We exchanged chaste kisses often, but that was as far as it ever went. I was more than a little frustrated. And that night, I let it get the better of me.