Waltz

part eight

No matter how much Mason loves to dance there's no better feeling in the world as his soft sheets against his skin after a long night at the studio. Flopping onto the mattress with an exhale of breath Mason closes his eyes for a moment, the ghosts of his tears still sting his eyes. Thinking back on his actions in the bathroom the brunette feels his cheeks burning crimson, Mason isn't a person who cries often - the last time he cried in front of anyone was when Anna left for Europe - and he especially isn't a person who breaks down unprompted. Moving his arm to shield his eyes from the phosphenes that dance around the darkness, now that he's home in his bedroom maybe he should finally voluntarily allow the emotions he's been pretending aren't real out. He doesn't want to try and figure out what his emotions mean, just let them flow and see what happens. Although now that it is an appropriate time to cry he can't seem to do it anymore. Figures, Mason huffs, emotions are weird.

Mason has come to learn that being sixteen was hard, so was being fifteen and being fourteen, he dreads to find out how it feels to be seventeen. Since he has been a dancer for ten years Mason doesn't find himself getting bullied a lot about it anymore but he's definitely learned not to talk about it at school, that never ends the way he would hope. It really sucks though, because of some unknown rules society has put in place he has to watch what he says about something he loves, has to always be worried that he'll need to justify why he's passionate about something "girly". The amount of times boys in his school have called him gay is impossible to keep track of, but for some reason those instances have never stuck in his mind like when Katie insinuated it. It has started to bother him more and more and if he were being honest, it really confuses him. Mason hasn't ever had a girlfriend but he definitely thinks girls are pretty and gets butterflies in his stomach when he speaks directly to a girl - that isn't his partner or a dancer at the studio of course - but boys are a different story. He's never been attracted to a boy before - or even thought one was cute for that matter - but sometimes he will find himself looking at his classmates too long or thinking about them long after practice is over. I'm not gay, he tells himself, that's ridiculous. This is why being sixteen is hard, everyone is still trying to figure out who they are but feel like they can't talk about it, especially boys for some reason.

His mind is becoming cloudy and his thoughts are convoluted, Mason doesn't like when his train of thought ends on sexual orientation, it makes him feel weird in his own skin and that is not a pleasant feeling. Sitting up with a sudden anxious knot in his chest Mason wants nothing more than to talk to Anna right now, she was the only person Mason truly felt he could tell anything - he never mentioned the fact that he wasn't sure he was one-hundred-percent straight but besides that, anything. Tempted to screw his not until you have a partner rule and contact Anna immediately he holds his phone in his hand, staring at her contact contemplating whether or not to call. Taking in a deep breath the boy exhales slowly before tossing his phone beside him on his bed and pushing himself onto his feet, now was not the time to call her when he felt so weird. When his mind gets foggy like this he needs a distraction to forget about everything he doesn't want to have to think about. Numbly walking out his door and down the stairs Mason joins his parents on the couch while they watch reality television, when they ask his reasoning for plopping down on the couch - it's not often Mason will willing watch a show about flipping houses - he simply says practice wore him out so he wanted to relax.

Eventually when Mason can't take one more minute of the guy on tv yelling at his assistant he returns to the safe haven which is his bedroom, the distraction tactic didn't quite work as the man on the television show and his boyfriend are the ones who work on houses. Being gay isn't a bad thing by any means, but the thought of coming out to everyone you know when people already make sport of your lifestyle choices is not one that makes him want to entertain the idea that he might have a slight attraction to boys. The worst part is not having anyone he can talk to, he doesn't know if he could even get the words out, whenever his mind goes to this place Mason can feel his chest tightening in an uncomfortable way.