Tainting Lilacs [Slow Updates]

Chapter One: Planting Seeds

One week prior.

I love the cold. Maybe it's because I've been living in this winter city all my life, or maybe it's because I'm cold-blooded deep down. Regardless, I just love the sensation of snow against my flesh. It's snowing again today, but I can't go out and touch it. I can't feel that satisfaction tonight; I can't be bothered to leave the confines of my apartment. It's so much safer at home behind my computer where I'm only haunted by memories. Where I don't have to see their faces. Where I can watch the snow fall from my window. I'm better off locked away where I'm shielded from the outside world and the outside world is shielded from me.

"Uhhhgg, that sounds too angsty!" I exclaimed in frustration as I repeatedly hit the back button on my laptop. "Ugh just ugh," I thought again slamming my head against my desk miserably.

I had been trying to finish this first chapter for months now but each time I pulled up docs, I was just left sitting at my computer blank. Even when I could get through a paragraph, it was always something like that.

I got up from my desk and looked out my window. The snow was really pretty tonight. My emo protagonist had that right. I couldn't even remember the last time I went outside. I had been living off the "insurance money" from my mother's death for the past few months but even with all my penny pinching, the money was running short.

I had to hurry and finish this book and then it would all be over. It just had to be. I missed going out though, I used to take walks all the time. It was an easy way to make things better. But these days, I'm always locked up writing. I promised to reward myself once I finished the first chapter. I had a pretty detailed outline and plenty of roughs but I just wanted one complete something. Just that much would be more than enough.

I don't know if it was the glistening of the snow or the madness from my isolation, but I wanted to go out tonight. "I'll take one little walk and clear my head." I mean things were starting to get unhealthy on my part. It would be a disserves for me not to go out and embrace it at least once. The fact of the matter was, I was more than due for a walk. And I was desperate to take one.

...

Something about stepping outside after all this time felt almost surreal. It had only been a hand full of months since I had been outside, but it still felt so different to me. The crinkle of snow beneath my feet paired with the chill of the cold against my face felt both pleasant and oddly nostalgic, all at the same time. The sight of people walking and talking was a comforting harmony. Even just standing outside of my building felt nice.

As I stood taking in the scenery, the ecstasy, someone caught my eye. A girl. She was short and blonde and appeared to be fiddling with the door to the building across the street from mine. In between cars passing by, I got a good look at her as she turned around ever so slightly. The face was familiar but I didn't seem to exactly recognize her. She suddenly froze making eye contact with me. It was weird. I didn't know whether to move or say hello. Who was this girl...?

Then suddenly she shouted out in my direction, "Mr. Udo?"

I felt my heart sink and my skin turn red. "No." I croaked out under my breath.

I immediately turned around to quickly walk up the sidewalk. I turned to see she was walking too, following me at a decent pace. I started running, not even thinking twice. I ran and ran until I couldn't breathe anymore. I didn't know who that girl was. But if she knew anything about me, I wanted nothing to do with her.

I put my hand to my knees, slightly out of breath. I finally stopped when I was sure I was alone. I laughed at how out of breath I was. That girl calling me like that. The hairs were still standing on the back of my neck.

Though deep down I felt it. The adrenaline in my veins. The thrill of escaping peril. The all too familiar joy of fearing for my life. I never wanted to feel that way again. I really meant it when I told myself that all those months ago. I didn't want to feel like that ever again. And yet...

I ignored the thoughts that found their way back into my head. It's all over now. I continued my walk at a slow pace. I just wanted to breathe. As I walked, I made my way through a park enjoying the view of the open space this late at night.

I found my way to a high bridge somewhere between the park and a pier. I stood against it resting my arms. I inhaled. It was really nice here. I watched snow fall on to the water. I looked upon the icy wonderland. This little spot on the bridge. I closed my eyes more certain than ever. This was definitely the place. I'm going to jump off this bridge one day.

...

I wondered how long I had stood there up against the bridge looking out at the water. It must have been some hours. I knew I should probably head home now. Though deep down I just wanted to skim through the rest of my life. To fast forward to the part where I was back on that bridge. But I knew that wasn't a possibility. I couldn't allow it to be.

I walked with my hands in my pocket while looking up at the stars. Tonight, for what it's worth, was refreshing. Despite that unfortunate encounter or the ideas I thought long gone rearing their heads, I felt... Okay. Which was a lot for me these days. I think I might have to make a habit out of leaving my apartment more. I thought as I came upon my building. That was until my mind focused and I was able to comprehend what was before me.

I froze. I stared at the girl who sat on the stairs. She was smoking with her head in her knees. She looked up at me with the biggest smile on her face. I was left looking at her apprehensively as I immediately felt the horror creep in. I was so sure I had avoided this. Avoid it all. 

"Mr. Udo.",  She spoke up. "I've been waiting for you."