Tainting Lilacs [Slow Updates]

Chapter Three: Springing Stems

I stepped outside of my house almost afraid to move. Afraid to be caught by any eyes. Afraid to see her. Afraid of what she had to say. This had been the story of my life these last few days. The same repetitive tale. I'd go out for what I suppose are now my nightly walks but instead of being greeted by the embrace of the soft snow against my skin I was embraced by the intense eyes and insufferable pouts of one very obnoxious girl.

She was my new ghost. The sight that would fall before me every time I'd open my door or look out my window. She was always there. The same blond head of hair. The same pout. The same big brown eyes that were practically screaming out to me. Feel guilty, Udo. Feel guilty until you help me. Help me please. That girl. Nanana.

It had become nearly comical how things turned out. I sat back and watched as her incessant glares became a new part of my daily routine.

Tonight as always I looked up from where I stood. I was frozen in fear of seeing her. The apartment she was held up in was exactly across from mine and it seemed she was always there peering out the window or casually sitting on her stairs. Though I knew there was nothing casual about it. This was a deliberate plot. A plot to remind me she was here. A plot to remind me of what was to come. To remind me what day would be here soon.

Why did she even have to tell me. Why didn't I just close my door to begin with."Ms. Moana, she wants me to do things this Friday. Like really bad stuff and I'm scared ", Her words had replayed over and over again in my head. Her cry for help. Her words that one time, were worse then her big stupid eyes screaming out to me in a constant search for my sympathy.

Of course I knew what was in store for her. I knew it too well. That vague tone. That ominous Friday. That inevitable horrible foreboding dark fate that lied in wait for her. It was tomorrow night. The night that Moana would most likely initiate her into the society. And all I could do about it was revel in my guilt. My guilt.

My guilt? What did I have to be guilty of? The fact I knew what would be fall her this Friday. The fact I knew things only got worse from there. No. I had nothing to be guilty about. I had no reason to care. She was nothing to me. Just another victim of our cruel unloving world.

What could I do. What could I possible do. There's no point of even thinking about what ifs. I promised myself I'd never go back there. I'd never get involved again. And I refused to let anything change that. Especially some stranger. No matter how much see remind me of- I just needed to go out my home and out of my head. I need to take this damn walk already.

As I made my way beyond my building's door way, I looked up to her window. Lucky nothing illuminated from it but the yellow light of a cheap bulb. None of the stares that routinely watched me make my way. I wouldn't have to deal with the looks tonight. What a relief. That made things better. I felt great. Great.

I would head for my walk and everything would be better. I paced up the street smiling at familiar scenery. Embraced by nothing but snow. Nothing but the cold of the lovely night. The cold. The night. The darkness. It was all I had. All I wanted. It will make this fade. I'll walk and it'll be better.

I'll walk and clear my mind, the same way I did back then, and I can focus, and it can all disappear. No Nanana. No Moana. No one can hurt me. No one would try. No one. No one but me. I just had to forget. Forget. Forget. Forget.

See. It's so easy. Easy as can be. Except... It's not. And it never will be? Will it?

I suddenly felt my emotions take over me. The dark thoughts that plugged and overwhelmed me taking over. Soon enough my walk became a run. I ran like I did that night she chased me; trying to replicate that feeling. That rush. That clearness. That feeling I felt; like I was on the verge of death. That feeling of losing all breath. Of losing all life.

I was choking as I ran. Choking on nothingness. Trying to find that place. That place where I was unable to breathe. I didn't want to gasp for air. I didn't want to breathe I wanted to choke.

Maybe I would pass out. Maybe I wouldn't wake up. Maybe I would finally fucking die. I wanted to give in. Tap out. Let my loss of breath take me away. Asphyxia was my euphoria. I wanted to be taken away to that place. I just wanted to fade.

I finally collapsed somewhere. Somewhere by water. It was late enough or far enough for me to be alone. Had I blacked out again? Had time faded from me like the way it use to?

I shook my head looking at my reflection in the nearby body of water. I stared at it irate. I wanted to scream; So I did. I screamed until my voice hurt. I didn't have any real words to say. I didn't have any room for tears. I just screamed.

"It's all slipping from me." I whispered to myself I'm losing it again aren't I. I looked down at my reflection in the water. It was dark and hard to see, but lite light let myself bounce back up at me. I stared back appalled by what I saw.

"I hate you." I mumbled, disgusted by my own reflection, "You're everything Mom said you were your everything Missa said you were you're the villain in your own narrative. "

I closed my eyes thinking the usual thoughts. But it was too premature. I can't die just yet. I have so many promise to keep and I want to be the hero just once. Please.

...

A/n: Hello so I like it when story's have author's notes at the end so I will put some at the end of this book if you don't mind.

Anyway this chapter was kinda sad and fillery but very important. Trust me. Some things are in store... so be ready.

Fun fact: That Asphyxia was my Euphoria line was a reference to two of my favorite songs the new Tokyo Ghoul : re theme- Asphyxia and the bts song- Euphoria .

Have a great day! 😊👍🏽