Anniversary

F O U R

As I started strumming the guitar strings, our memories together flooded in my mind. The kisses, the hugs, and the us.

I miss it. I miss it all.

I opened my eyes and continued strumming the guitar, making a music out to the most familiar yet painful song.

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted
I thought about our last kiss, how it felt, the way you tasted

Everywhere I go, it reminds me of you. The places we go became a beautiful nightmare to me, everywhere I go, I see you, I feel you .

And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine
Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?
When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?

How are you? Are you okay? Are you happy? I hope you are. I miss the feeling of comfort I feel when you hold me. Those collywobbles I feel when you're beside me. And the happiness I feel when you're around me.

Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie ?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
'Cause I'm not fine at all

"Not at all. Not at all, Louie"
It feels like everything happened yesterday. A bittersweet yesterday.

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made

I can't forget that day. The day I last saw you, your smiles and hugs and kisses. How about those dreams and wishes we both made?  Tell me, tell me Louie. Tell me how? Tell me how to achieve those without you? How will I reach those? Now that you're far away from me, who can I go along the journey?

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about those stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

"'Cause I'm not fine at all"

If only I could just turn back time.

The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone
I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone
And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around

It hurts to know you're happy
Yeah, it hurts that you moved on
It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long

Since that day, I haven't seen our friends no more because I wanted to be alone. Them, also, hold up memories of you, memories of us. Memories of us and them. I wanna hear your name, yes, but it's hard. Really hard that it hurts.

It's like we never happen, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
'Cause I'm not fine at all

Looking back, I still can't believe the things that happened. In just a snap, and oh, it's gone. If I could just turn back time, I will take you back, I will take it all back because I still want you by my side.

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about those stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
I'd hold you closer then I ever did before
And you'd never slip away
And you'd never hear me say

If only I could hug you so tight, If only I could kiss you so bad. Please let me. Please. Let me hold you for the last time.

I wish all of this is just a dream. A dream I wish to forget. I can't live without you. No. I may live without you, but honestly it will never be same. I can live without you, but it feels like I'm alive but floating.

I look up to the sky as tears flow down. It hurts in my heart and chest and I'm having trouble accepting it all. I closed my eyes as I felt a cold wind that surrounds me as if in a form of embrace. Louie.

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about those stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all
No, I'm really not fine at all
Tell me this is just a dream

"'Cause I'm really not fine at all"

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia so that I can forget that you left me. That you are gone. I want to forget all those stupid things that had happened in my life because I miss you and I love you. So much. I really do.

Louie died of motorcycle accident. He was on his way from school to fetch me for we will be celebrating our anniversary. He was hit by an overtaking truck, was crashed, and was sent to the nearest hospital but too late, he was declared dead on arrival.

I really don't know what to do that time. My mind's blank, vision blurred as tears well-up my eyes. I know it too well that it wasn't my fault but I still can't deny the fact that I was to blame. If I didn't asked him to fetch me, and just told him to wait me up to our meeting place, maybe, just maybe, maybe he is still by my side.

I ran my fingers across his name carved on a tombstone.

"Happy 4th anniversary Louie. I love you so damn much" not minding the lump in my throat that makes it hard for me to speak, flood of tears went down my cheeks,

"You will never be forgotten"

It was our 2nd-year anniversary when
I       l o s t      h i m.