random diary entries

27.4.18

If you're not sick, why are you in bed all day?

I am sick, I want to tell him. 

Sick in the head. 

Depressed.

What is the purpose of being alive?

Why don't I just end it all?

I watched 'I Feel Pretty' yesterday at the cinemas.

Isn't the message of the movie supposed to inspire people like me?

I don't feel pretty.

I feel disgusting. As always.

Help me.

I can't eat, I can't talk, I have no friends.

I want to shave my head, because what is the point of being beautiful?

Of trying to impress someone?

Of having fun?

Of feeling inspired?

Of feeling worthy.

I feel a prisoner in my own skin. I want to get out but I can't. It's hopeless. 

I'm hopeless. Worthless.

'Chubby, not fat', they say. It's all the same. I know what they really mean.

Even if I had the perfect body, that wouldn't change anything. I'd still be stuck in my mind.

Some days are fun, when I can forget about everything. Other days I wonder why I haven't ended it all sooner.