"Adventure of a Curious Soul"

IF I JUMP NOW, WHO WILL CATCH ME?

I started having trust issues long back, surrounded by people who are being cheated on or cheating on someone, people faking their personality, lying, manipulating and using words that they don't mean is really heartbreaking and this is why I have lost faith in any kind of relationship. I have been told often that in your late teens and early adult years, your hormones plays the most important role, unnecessary things matters more than more important things, always confused, we don't comprehend that there is more to life than what we see, realise or know etc. Yet here I'm, turned nineteen and the only problem I feel I have is regarding my career, and thats definitely 'IT' when it comes to the matters of life, desperate to be at the top of the world. I have always been more mature than my classmates, someone who over analyses things, also quite unlucky in life, even after hard-work I seem to fail. So in conclusion, I have no expectation to have any kind of romantic relationship In life, or any happiness and It hurts but you have to accept the bitter truth.

I hate those people who think breakup is the worst but what they know about losing your loved ones forever?, or not having someone to take care of you?, or seeing violence and going through abuse in childhood or in adulthood?, or not having enough money to have food at least once in a day?. I don't say breakups are not bad, definitely It's bad, being hurt in any manner is bad but you do have a possible chance of  moving on. Yes, moving on is tough but it is not impossible, there will be chances to have many more dates in life. But the problems like losing your loved one to death; that can never be replaceable or forgotten and mostly moving on. Victims who have been through rape are literally in shock, what about those? Those problems are more serious than this. I lost many of my friends who doesn't bother with people like them and would straight-up compare their a month long dating relationship to someone who lost their closed one, who would't even listen to their cries and pleas but instead would show-up with more drama and is always about them, to their self-worship, greediness. I made distance for which they blamed me, we hardly ever used to talk and even during those conversation, It was only about them, they don't even know what subject I chose. I understand, we all get busy as we grow up but not even bothering to know how I'm doing in life even after knowing my mental and emotional state? It was rough to the point where I locked myself in my house, all Isolated, started being known as a loner and they were not bothered even to check on me once? How can I have faith when I'm surrounded by those who don't care for me?

There was a time when I didn't feel the need to have friends; I had everything, family who loved and cared for me, content with myself, a happy child, had no insecurities, I was truly happy and confident, knew who I was and what I wanted. As I grew older, I made friends. Initially, everything was fun, hanging out, laughing, nothing was changed but slowly everything changed, and past a year, It became to the point where It was only me who was bothered. I was alone, Isolated, sad, depressed even, but there was no one to ask, to comfort. I couldn't afford going to my family, my parents are stressed due to them losing the job, my siblings are really worried. If my family sees me in a depressed state, they will be more worried and I don't want that. I finally decided to leave them, for me It's better to be left alone than being bothered every single moment and now at this point I'm really happy, I'm left only with acquaintance, people whom I know, I meet in the class or the cafe I work at, and that is it. I'm satisfied, not happy, just fine. Trust me, fine is better than bad or worse. At least, I feel fine.

Who will care for me, If It's not me? I'm trained to know that I've to take care of myself because others won't and this makes me a bitter person which the world doesn't need.