In All Insanity

4~28~18

4~28~18

10:20 pm

When things get rough, we try to find something to blame, someone to blame, when in all reality, it's just the way life works.

It's not really life if it works in your favor. I'm a disbeliever in the idea that everything happens for a reason. I believe in coincidence and luck, I don't believe in God or the idea that this all means something. 

I've come to terms with the depressing fact that after we die, that's it. 
Unlike what other people may think, this fact doesn't depress me. It doesn't make me think that this isn't worth it. On the contrary, it makes me want to make what little time I have left worth more than anyone who believes in life after death would see it as.

Value in definition is benefits in relation to cost.

What is the cost of living, and what are the benefits of it?

How to you measure value? 

It's a tricky question to ask of how someone measures value, but in all matters, it s question of perspective. It's different for everyone. Value has always and will always be a matter of perspective.

In my eyes, I measure value in the idea of happiness. 

There's not a lot of happiness in my life, and there never really has been,  but when there is, like it is right now, it's more worth it than it seems.

If you take all the bad and good in my life and compared them, you'd find that there has always been more bad than good. The measure of my happiness has outweighed the measure of my sadness. 

What I mean by that is that is even though there has been more sadness, the happiness has had more of an impact to my life and what I consider to be important.

My future husband is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. Every time I look at him, I see our future, I see the man that's going to be an amazing father to our child. I see the one man in my life that I've ever fully trusted with everything in me, and also the first man who's ever deserved my trust.

My whole life, because of the bad, because of the sadness, I've been on watch. Everything in my better judgment has pushed me against trusting anyone. It's hard to look into a pair of brown eyes, even my own because of all the things brown eyes have done to hurt me, but in this situation, the happiness again weighs out the sadness with him. 

He's everything I've ever looked for without knowing I was looking. I found him when I wasn't looking at all, and it was the most amazing thing that could have possibly happened to me. 

His name is Sean O'Rourke.

I haven't written about him much, but he was the guy I hope for long back in the time when Bolder was putting his hands on me. I didn't know I was hoping, but every time he hit me, I prayed. I prayed for a good man, a better man. I think at the time, I  was praying for Bolder to be that man: good and better, but as I've grown and as I've matured, I realize now that I was praying for someone else, a naturally better man, and that I've found, is Sean.

Right now, at eleven o'clock at night, we're in our cozy apartment as he gathers our dogs to go on a walk to the corner store to get some snacks. Even if I thought I was ready for the amount of love I feel for this man, I wasn't. Every time I think that I couldn't love this man more than I do, he says something that throws me off this corner block of thinking I might explode with emotions.

Right now though, he's rushing me to finish so that we can take this night time stroll together, an the dogs are whining. I will say in this moment I've never been this happy, but this is me, signing off for the night.

Value - measured - cost - priceless.