Hush

June 23rd 2011:

"Quiet" he whispered, knife pressed against my throat.

"Silence" he said placing his hand over my mouth his pupils moving slowly to the corners of his eyes,

"Hush".

My head hit the ground as my body jerked uncontrollably in a spasm of terror, my heart pounding rapidly like a psycho with a drum set. I could not breathe. I mouthed the words but my voice remained inaudible. I tried to calm my myself tell my mind that it was  over, it wasn't  real, but I could not fool myself, it wasn't just a dream.

I picked myself up of the floor my blurred vision gradually becoming focused with every moment I kept my eyes open. The sound of an irritated fist on wood interrupted the mornings silence. I jumped at the sudden noise, and the creak the door made when it opened, and the sound of my feet landing back on the floor. I cant help it, I'm a jumpy person I wasn't always, but that was a long time ago and I don't want to talk about it, so don't ask, ever.

Mom entered the room with that phony grin plastered on her face.

"You're up!" She exclaimed, a little too loudly.

She glanced at the page I had been writing on and the stupid smile got bigger.

"Have you been writing?" I shook my head and snatched it of the floor crumbling it in a balled up fist. Her disguise faltered slightly. I could see beneath that smile, the kind of smile you give a dog so it doesn't bite you. The tone of voice you use while saying,

"Nice doggie" without really meaning it.

I scrunched up the page in a tighter wad before tearing it in half, throwing one in the trash and the other in my mouth for good measure.

She gives up on the smile and allows her face to become normal again. Her eyes soften in relief, the smile probably hurt her cheeks.

"Well don't spend all day in here." she finished and she scooted out, leaving the door ajar.

I stood there for a while, I didn't feel like moving. The paper cleaved to my pallet, its bitter taste lingered in my mouth. If your ever tempted to eat paper, its gross, I don't recommend it. She reappeared in the doorway looking slightly annoyed

"Come on, you've slept in long enough."

As if there was a designated time limit. She left the room again, this time, I fallowed.

Dad and my sister Sophia were already at the table. She bounced up and down excitedly, don't ask me why she does that, its probably a defense mechanism against  my "bad attitude".

Dad smiled at me, a fake smile, it was a little more believable than Mom's though,   you have to give him credit for that. Two boxes of cereal sat on the table, Mom poured one for me, I never said I was hungry .

"Sit" she ordered, tempting me to bark at her.

"Is he a dog now?"

All Dad's remark got was a glare. They'd been arguing last night when they thought I couldn't hear them. Arguing  about me. About how

"I wasn't a little kid so stop treating me like one", and her repeating again and again,

"Give him time, he just needs time."

Time was all I had though, what I needed was a coke and a decent computer.

Dad sipped his coffee while Sophia engaged Mom in an intelligent argument

"You cant just eat the marshmallows honey, the cereal is yummy, see"

"No!" exclaimed Sophia banging her spoon on the table.

Mom sighed, gathering her purse and keys. I pushed my bowl away it was starting to get soggy, and gross, Mom noticed .

"Oh for goodness sake! stop starving your self," she yelled completely misunderstanding my intentions.

"I don't have time for this" she snapped pulling the strap of her bag over her shoulder.

Did she not have time for captain crunch, or me?

Planting a kiss on Dad's cheek then Sophia's she hurried out the door determined not to be late for work, again .

I yawned and got up from the table a weird expression crossed Dad's face something between mock surprise and concern.

"Are you going to school?"

I paused and looked back at him how could he even suggest that? the edges of his mouth twitched trying to hold back his grin of triumph, he had caught my attention. I shrugged eager to get away from the dinning room, the parlor, the living room and pretty much anywhere there was two or more chairs, where a potential "family gathering" could take place.

"Are you going to try?" He said lowering his voice softly, almost a whisper.  It was a dangerous topic. I nervously clenched the inside of my lip between my teeth and again shrugged, my usual response.

He picked up my back pack of the floor filled with new, unused supplies I eyed it suspiciously trying to determine whether or not he was serious.

"Come on", he said gulping down the rest of his coffee

"I'll give you a ride."

He was serious. I shook my head rapidly my heart going into panic mode. outside? He wanted me to go outside? Where It would be waiting with Its knife, and It's cruel merciless eyes would laugh as he buried it into my flesh. Where It could find me, find me and take me back to that cold windowless room. I shuddered at the the images that flashed through my mind there was bodies, bodies every where. Not whole, never together, their limbs spread all around the room caked with dry blood, broken and bruised. Bulging sightless eyes staring straight back at mine and the blood, all over them, all over It, all over me.

My nightmares come when I'm awake now, all triggered by the thought of walking out my own front door. In fear that It would be waiting. Dad looked concerned,

"You okay?"

I nodded, a silent lie. Nothing was okay nothing would ever be okay. The world was a terrible disgusting place, a fifteenth year old kid with his whole life ahead of him was not supposed to know that. Would I have liked to live in blissful ignorance of course I would have, but I had witnessed the madness first hand, and it was too late for that. It was a white lie as well it was better for him not to know.

They had spent months, trying to get me to speak. But if they knew, they wouldn't want to hear anything I had to say, somethings are better left unspoken. That is why I must be silent, that is why I'm not even telling you. Besides, It might hear me.

I left and ran up the stairs. I had to get away from them before I spoke before I cried, before the memories completely took over.

I shut the blinds on the window blocking the out-of-doors from view .Dad called me, I locked the door and leaned against it my chest rising quickly with uneven gasps, unsuccessful attempts to satisfy my empty lungs. I was back in my room where I was safe. I'm not going out, I made that mistake once before. They were constantly saying there was nothing to be afraid of, but they were wrong.

Maybe  three years ago I would have agreed, I would have gone, but not any more, never again.