To who ever cares,

14

Year nine.

Gosh what a year. So much happened that year that I am surprised I made it through.

Taylor and Ashley moved, they both went to private schools, I never heard from them again. A new girl joined our group, her name was Candi. She was great to me at first, treating me almost like a sister. That certainly didn’t last long though.

For one month things seemed to be looking up for me. Tailor had eased off and I wasn’t bullied quite so much. I was happy. Suddenly things changed. Candi stopped talking to me, and people started to look at me like I was an alien. I was worried, what had I done?

It was Claire who finally told me why everyone was treating me badly. They found out my secret. Somehow everyone knew that I was cutting myself. When Claire told me I couldn’t believe it, how did they find out? I was so careful.

When I got home that night my mum was waiting for me. Tayler’s mum had called her. She knew that my secret was out. I did what any girl would do in my position. I ran to my mum and cried. She held me all night, not saying a word, just letting me cry.

I took a week off, sitting on my bed, my knees pulled up to my chest. I didn’t say a word all week, my mum would bring me food but I couldn’t bring myself to eat. I only moved when I had to. I barely slept a wink, afraid to enter the dream world in case it was worse than my own living nightmare. It was the worst I had been in a while.

 Each night when everyone was asleep I would take my razor and place it down on my wrist. I started at the crease in my elbow and take it down to my palm. I would watch the blood drip down my hand onto the towel I had laid down on the floor, staining the white material a bright red. Once the blood had dried I would get up and wash it off in the bathroom wrapping my wrist up in gauze before taking it off the next night and doing it again.

When mum had finally had enough of my moping she made me go back to school. March fifth. It was a Thursday. I would like to say I walked in with my head held high, but I didn’t. I hid out the front of the school until class was about to start, I didn’t go to my locker I avoided everyone and went straight to class, keeping my head low to avoid attention. It worked.

First period was English. I sat up the back, in the corner seat watching from under my hair as everyone came in. Claire looked around the room when she walked in, spotting me and heading towards where I was sitting. She sat in the seat next to me, not saying anything. That was one of the best things about Claire. She knew when words weren’t needed.

At recess Candi approached me. “You look like shit.” A pleasant greeting right? “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, it’s how you always looked.” I couldn’t believe she and I were good friends just over a week ago. “What, no greeting? Cat got your tongue? Or have you just cut it out?” By now there was a crowd and when she said this they all laughed. And what did I do? Just sat there, letting them say what they wanted. What else was I meant to do?

Why didn’t you help me?

Yours insincerely,

Me