It's funny to love. One day it will be the "I love you babe" and the day after it will be the "I'm not in love anymore". It's funny because when you let yourself go in this you tell yourself "shit it's perfect" but it always ends with a "fuck what did I do". You tell yourself it feels great to give your heart to win love, and sell your company to rant your loneliness. But you didn't buy the rest yet ahahah, admit that you're waiting for it to go on sale? You don't even even know what I'm talking about, I don't care, find. The thing with love is that it's always promises that light up your sadness. You tell him you'll love him until the end of times and be there for him when he'll be a ghost, that he's a guy to be loved and that you want to love him.
But the thing behind it, it's that it's always bullshit, it's just to give the illusion that you think it's true because in fact you're scared to love and to give it all. You make yourself believe than yes, you lie to yourself to allow you to look for yourself even though yuo already found yourself. But this love, in fact, it's true. Don't you get it? Yes it's true ah. You pretend it's true when it's already true? What is it, you don't assume who you are? Fucking idiot. You lost your heart after all these hours you spent breaking yourself and then rebuilding yourself. You just forgot it, it's there but you neglected it, it was there the whole time but you decided to be an idiot. To compense, you told yourself it wasn't done existing. Fuck you're an idiot, and damn I'm stupid. You had the world in front of you, a real world. But you prefer to create yourself one, because jumping in the love that is offered to you is too scary for you, too scary for your little heart.
It's once that your illusion is gone that you realise that it was in fact real. That you realise that you lost your time lying to yourself because in the end, your illusion was in the good dimension, your dimension. It was there, your love, real, touchable, lovely, true, he wasn't a dream. And that's when he leaves that you feel bad, eh? Now you feel yourself, now you're unhappy, now you realise that fuck, you're an idiot. Now you cry your whole life out and your wall turns into a punching bag. Admit it, eh? Now you're still awake at 3am with Chasing Cars from Snow Patrol on replay and you see all the shit go on in front of your eyes, you see the snow and your blood on it, the rain and all of your will to live fade away. That's when you decide to go outside at 4 am and to walk around without any goal just watching the moon following you, a bit like your past, always there to look at you and shine, to remind you it's still there. Ahahaha.
But still, that's when you drink as much as you cry, that your tears get lost in Vodka bottles. You miss him, but you don't care because you're just too drunk. Ah it feels great, it makes you feel so great that you forget. You forget what it is eh, you forget what you want? Now you take a boy after the other to erase his marks off your body, you use sex to forget you have an ex. You just want to forget the taste of his lips and the blood in your mouth, you want to forget his hand on your heart and the light in his eyes. You look at other eyes to forget how he was looking at you but at the same time, like an idiot, you try to find his eyes between the others. Even between the stars. It hurts, eh? Admit you're hurt live? It twists and untwists. You don't really know anymore but you think about it, fuck you keep thinking about it...
Do you assume it now? Do you assume that you're a fucking idiot?
You thought it would be beautiful?
-Shawn
