Amelia

Im sorry

I couldn't bare to see your messages after I ended it. I'm sorry, my love.
You hate me with everything you have and your opinions never going to change about me I get that, I know you hate me. I love you.

Just read this if you want closure.

I had to end it because I couldn't bear to be in pain anymore, I knew you were growing bored of me, why didn't you answer me back why-were you ignoring me? You know how fragile I was from all of those past heart breaks, you know how I act up I couldn't take being dumped again.
And yet I feel terrible- no, there's no words to describe how I feel right now. I didn't get a chance to explain myself because I was so determined to heal myself and get rid of you. You hate me, you hate me with everything you have I know. And all I can say is I'm sorry it all ended this way. I honestly let myself believe we could last, that we could meet and be okay because we'd have each other but it's not. It wouldn't of been okay.
Doing what I did the other night was one of the most hardest decisions I've had to face, I had to get rid of the one I love for my own happiness and health. It wasn't you, it was actually me. I was the one who was mentally ill, I knew I wouldn't be able to trust you again and I couldn't. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I could of trusted you. But I just couldn't take it, you didn't even have to do anything and I'd be anxious. I hate myself, I really do. Because I will never love anyone as much as I love you. You know I love you, right? I love you so much. And to do what I did it took everything I had in me. Amelia, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you last night, I'm sorry I couldn't trust you again. I'm sorry I couldn't believe you knew what you were doing when I gave you my heart.
But in the end, you were the one who broke me and I just wasn't strong enough to put myself back together for the sake of our new relationship and start over.
I think about you every second of the day, is that wrong? Is it wrong to miss the one you broke up with? I don't think it is, I just think I was so sickeningly in love with you that I became paranoid. All the damn time.

The reason I ended our relationship was because it was toxic. It really was. Well, it was starting to anyway.
When we got back together I was so happy, I was just overjoyed and I wanted to just make sure you knew I loved you every second of the day. But I don't even know what happened, you started acting blunt with me after telling me you loved me that morning, and then you just flat out ignored me for around two or three days, I knew something was really wrong but I was too scared to call you incase you were even more blunt over the phone. That would of destroyed me.
I genuinely thought you had found someone else, I started to panic, I threw up after having a panic attack, and I did it- I ended the most loving relationship I've ever had.
And I'm sorry, I'm sorry it had to end this way, Amelia, my milly willy. I love you, I love you so much and I would do anything for you. But, I just can't even be friends with you. Because every time we tried to just be friends- it just killed me even more. I couldn't bare you not saying you loved me, or just treating me like a friend would. And when we date, it doesn't work. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..

I'll always be yours. You remember that okay? When you see me as a famous musician in a few years, contact me? Please.
You're my soul mate. And I'm sorry. I love you so much. I was in too much pain, and I'm debating weather this pain is more hurtful then the pain I was in when we were together. This is more painful, but at least I can heal I guess. I've blocked your number, but every single text I get in class- in school, I start to panic because I think it's you, my heart starts racing and I want it to be you. I woke up this morning and I wanted to see your name on my phone. It's been a day and I miss you already. I had to block you on everything but this, I'm sorry. I had a break down last night, and if I hadn't of blocked you, I would of called you and I would of begged you to help me. I would of whined to you, I would of cried badly and I would of stopped breathing. So maybe it was really for the best.

Oh man, even now I can't exactly see the screen to type, I've got so many tears in my eyes writing about how much I love you and everything I wanted to say to you.
Honestly, Amelia, I'm just counting on me making it big in a few years time for you to contact me. I won't be Beyoncé big, but I'll try. Baby, I'll try. I'm practicing more now then ever because I have to fill this hole in my heart.

Every time my friends talk about you my heart drops and I can't breathe, when you had that argument with my friend- I didn't send her to screenshot your story. I didn't even know you'd said anything about me until she had told me what had happened. And honestly, from the way you reacted. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to go right down to where you live, and I just wanted to be there with you sat in your bed just hugging you with cosmic.
I miss you. I miss you so much. And I bet you still hate me, after what I've typed- I just know you still hate me.
You won't cry for me- I really hope you don't because I know I'm not worth it, I'm not worth anyone's tears. And I'm not worth your pity either. I'm just a girl who's in love with another person who've had a complicated messy past which made our relationship hang by a thread.

I'll be amazed if you ever read this to be honest, and I don't know how I'll know if you ever read this all, but I just wanted to type my last words to you. You really are my one love.
And how ironic, our last call was us saying how much we loved each other, gosh.
And I guess this is where I end it- hopefully, I don't know if we'll ever speak again. I hope we do, I really hope we do. Because I'll miss you terribly. I'm trying not to cry every hour from your loving memory.
So I guess this is goodbye. Maybe forever, maybe for a short time or maybe for months.
I don't know.

And if you love me as much as I love you, please- please just contact me somehow. I've left some accounts for you to contact me on, I haven't blocked your personal. Please.

And if this is the last time we speak then,
Amelia, I love you a lot. Good luck with your GCSEs, and- just, stay safe.
Keep my white fluffy baby safe as well.
And,
Happy 16th birthday coming up, my love.
I'll be thinking of you. I love you, so so much.