Ordinary

Chapter Eight

I had a hard time sleeping that night; something in the air felt unsettled, unresolved. When I finally decided to get up and take a walk to tire myself out, I realized that Blue wasn't snuggled into his fur a few feet away from me like he was when we all called it a night. It certainly was strange. After all, I would have heard his bells if he got up. Maybe I'd dozed off for a few minutes and that just so happened to be when he let. I hoped that's what it was. The thought of anything happening to him shot bolts of fear down my spine. I stood up and tugged my boots on, figuring I could look for him while I went for a walk.

It didn't take long for me to find him. I could see him standing in a field of wild grass and flowers, just past the edge of the trees. Fireflies danced around his fingertips as he ran his hands through the tall grass. I couldn't help the smile that tugged up the corners of my lips. I could feel his sense of wonder even from a distance. I was just about to break free of the forest when I heard Hak and Yona. They were talking about him, about finding a good name, one that suited him.

Suddenly, I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. I'd spent weeks, months, with him, and only ever called him by a shortened version of his title. It hadn't even crossed my mind to give him a real name. I felt so stupid, so dumb. How could I not think to give him a name? Especially after all the time we spent together.

I puffed out a heavy sigh, and watched as Blue ran through the field, stirring up the fireflies. Then I saw Yona beam at him, her face as bright and brilliart a the sun. Something in my heart squeezed, and I had absolutely no idea what to call the feeling.

"Shin-ah." she called, just barely above a whisper.

Blue turned to look at her, his arms still spread out like wings. The same strange feeling pulsed throughout me and I wanted to march right out there and stop whatever was going on. But I didn't. That was stupid. It's good for him to have friends, to have people he can trust. It's good for him to have a name.

Yona took a few more steps closer, closing the gap between them. "Shin-ah. That's your new name. It means moonlight." she paused, and I wished that I could see their faces clearly, that I could read their expressions and gage just what was going on between them. "Do you like it."

There was silence for a moment before he gave her one short, slow nod. She smiled again, and I felt like crumbling. I knew that nod. That was his 'this is new but I'm happy about it' nod. I loved that nod. That was my favorite nod. My heart broke a little bit more when I realized I didn't hear his bells ring out. He must've taken them off.

I felt an enormous sense of loss. And for absolutely no logical reason. I'm sure those bells meant more to him than they did to me, and I knew that I should be happy that he was forming new relationships. But there was this little part of me that I couldn't quite get to just shut up that missed it being just the two of us. I didn't know what to do, and even worse, I didn't know what I was feeling. I just turned and left, despondent exhaustion settling into my bones.

I made it back to camp a few minutes letter, trudging over to my spot and burrowing under the bedding. There was nothing I hated more than not knowing. Even when I was home, I still knew exactly who I was, exactly what I wanted, and exactly what I was feeling. Now, I had no idea where I was going, no idea what I wanted, and absolutely no clue how I felt about all of it. Even as I drifted off into restless sleep, these thoughts plagued me. I just wanted to know what I was feeling. If I knew what was going on in my head, then I could find a way to get over it and move on. And right now, that was all I wanted to do.

I woke up the next morning with leaves tangled in my hair and Blue's white fur thrown over me. For a minute, I felt like i'd just fallen asleep in the caves and Blue had gone off to find something to eat. And then I remembered where I was. I couldn't help the frown that dragged down my face as I slowly sat up.

"What time is it?" I grumbled as I realized that everyone had gotten up long before I did. Breakfast was almost ready to serve.

"Looks like someone's not a morning person." Hak teased.

I just glared at him before rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and stretching my arms above my head. Yoon dished up breakfast, and Blue -- or rather Shin-ah -- brought me a bowl and slid under the fur, scooching as close as he could. Even though I was all jumbled up inside, I still couldn't resist smiling at him and giving the squirrel resting on his shoulder a loving scratch. The coming days were sure to be difficult, and I certainly had a lot to figure out, but Blue -- I mean Shin-ah -- had a way of calming me down just by being near.

Despite my sour mood, I couldn't help laughing at the way he devour his meal. I could see where Ao picked up the habit of stuffing her cheeks. I finished what I could, and gave the rest of my breakfast to Shin-ah. He happily dug in, finish it off in no time. I laughed again at the excited way he practically inhaled his food.

Once we'd all finished breakfast, we started packing up. I still couldn't quite shake the feelings that came over me last night. And to top things off, as I watched the other work to dissemble camp, even more less than pleasant thoughts attacked my brain. Suddenly, I was not only feeling pangs of whatever assaulted me last night, but also confronted with a whole new set of insecurities.

I watched as Hak sharpened his glaive and practiced with it, swinging it around with such agility and strength. I couldn't fight to save my life. I wasn't necessarily clumsy, but I don't think anyone would call me particularly coordinated. I wasn't all that muscular -- despite all my travls -- and especially once I settled into a new town for a bit, I leaned a more towards pleasantly plump. 

I gave up trying to compare myself to Hak and tried my best to focus on what I was doing. Which was not going well. Unless I was staying at an inn, I was under the stars. And this tent was giving me more trouble than it was worth. Kija came over to help, and before I could stop myself, I was already evaluating how I stood up next to him. He was a real, actual legend and I was just a girl from a relatively backwoods seaside town. No matter who I looked at or talked to, I still didn't measure up. I was just a plucky, lucky traveler who happened to stumble into a group of supremely extraordinary people.  I was just a plain, ordinary girl and I felt really, truly inadequate. I wasn't enough. I wasn't anything. Not compared to Yona. Not compared to Hak or Kija.

Not compared to Shin-ah.

I tried my best to mask the swirling thunderstorm clouding my thoughts as we broke camp. Blue stayed close by and I could feel him peering at me through his mask. I was in such a fog and it seemed like there was no escape. 

Soon enough, we were heading out again and I still couldn't shake the feeling of being insufficient. I'd never come across anything like it before. I'd never doubted myself, never felt such a lack of confidence in my life. Here I was, surrounded by everything I dreamed about, and I had no idea it would be so bittersweet. I had no idea my dreams would come true, but leave me feeling so small. Despite my best efforts to clear my head, I was devoured as we walked.

A/N: Hey friends and neighbors! I totally rewrote this chapter. Special thanks to sydleigh378 for helping me figure this out, even though it was like two in the morning. I know this chapter focuses mostly on Taeyang, and doesn't really have a lot of the cast in it, but I did want to have a section that focused mostly on getting to know her and introduce some new struggles. Anyway, thanks for reading! 

Miss Author.