4.5.18
I'm just lying here.
In my warm, cosy bed at home. I can't get to sleep. I've accepted defeat and go out to Nan. She's reading on the couch. "Why are you up this late?" she whispers harshly at me. Count sheep, she tells me. I would argue but all I'm wearing is my flannel jammies. It's the middle of winter. It's freezing. I'm shivering. Goodnight, I say, and run back to bed. I jump under the covers and am again enveloped in a pocket of warm air. Today was the first day back at school. All my friends say how were your holidays. "Good thanks", I say. The typical answer. I think of the events of my holidays, going against everything the counsellor told me. Don't think about it. Don't think about it! No, no, no. But I can't control it. It's too late, I can't fight it. I get pulled under.
Just like he did.
He drifted away. Away from me. Away from everything he knew and loved. And now he is dead.
Dead.
Get used to the word, I tell myself. He's gone. He's never coming back. Strangled by a sea monster. Pulled down to the deep by the powerful arms of the unforgiving waves. Pulled under and away. Now he's dead. Dead at the bottom of the ocean.
Eat all your dinner says Mum. Clean your room says Dad. Help me with the gardening says Nan. Stop being so annoying says Sister. Get the fuck out of my room says Brother. But I know something they don't. Something that haunts me every day. Every hour, every minute. He just drifted away. Without a trace. No one could find him. Not even the search parties. They looked for days. Weeks. Months. But they couldn't bring him back. Back to me. I loved him. He loved me. Now he's gone. Gone forever.
I can't look at the ocean without thinking of that night. If I think too hard about it, it all comes flooding back. More overwhelming every time. When I think of that night, I see the thundering waves, crashing on the shore. Black and threatening. I can hear the roaring ocean in my ears, feel the fear like a large bubble in my chest. The tears running down my face. Taste the salt on my lips. See our bright red canoe. Feel the weight of the paddle in my hands. I can hear his cries for help. My own screams. See his pained expression as he went under. I stare at the patch of blackness where he just was. A black hole. It's sucking me in, pulling me under, twisting me around, up, down, left, right, till I don't know which way's up. I'm stuck in this underwater world of darkness. Struggling isn't going to get you anywhere, I tell myself. I try to stay calm and take a deep breath.... to find that I can't. My throat is quickly filled with water. I kick and thrash once more, but I know that this is the end. It's sucking me down, down, down. To the bottom of this endless ocean. I can't breathe. I'm drowning.
I sit up with a start. I'm at home, in my bed. I look to my left, to the bright flashing fluorescent light from my digital clock. It reads 3:31 am. I'm safe. Completely safe, I tell myself. Nothing can get me here. But I don't feel safe. My bed feels like a prison cage. The blankets are the iron bars, weighing me down. I need to get out. I throw them off. My house isn't safe anymore. I hurriedly slide open my glass doors leading out to the back porch. They make a loud banging noise.
I don't care. I need to get out of here.
I run along the side of the house and throw open the gate. I run out onto the road. I can hear the crashing waves against the shore. I know where I need to go. I run down to the path. Down to the ocean, where it all happened. I sit on the brick fence on the hill, the fence where we sat that night and ate hot chips together. I think I'm going crazy. I can smell him, his rich scent of men's cologne. I look over to where he sat that night, right next to me, but now it's just an empty space. He's gone. I shake my head and run down to the canoe shed. I spot our canoe among the others. I have a sudden urge to get it out. I need it. I keep my eyes glued to it as I race over to the boat, as if it will disappear if I don't. I trip on something, a rock or stick, I'm guessing. I go down face-first. Hard. I need to get up. I need to keep going. I stand up, but my head hurts. A lot. I touch it and look at my hand. There's blood, and lots of it.
I feel weak at the knees and my vision becomes a blur. My whole world goes black.
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I open my eyes. There is light. Where the hell am I? What time is it? I sit up and look around. There is the canoe shed. There is the red canoe. Oh no, no, no, no...
I cannot take this. I get to my feet and run home.
I burst through the front door. "Where the hell have you been, young lady?" yells dad. Then he sees my bloodied head and hands, my pale face. Mum must have heard his yelling because she runs in like a mad woman. In one giant leap I am enveloped in her familiar smell. It smells like home. I am safe here with my family. I'm not alone in this world. My eyes fill up and despite my protest, spill over. I burst into tears. Mum pulls me closer into her warm embrace. I am filled with mixed emotions. But I am still mostly sad. I will always be sad. I am sad because he is gone.
Gone forever.
