Thoughts Of Me

Second Of All: Memories

Memories are the one thing in this world that can heal anyone, but also kill anyone. You can be the strongest navy seal in history that has no past of grief, but cannot be emotionally stronger than someone who has gone through grief. Grief isn't just the only type of bad memories. There's broken-hearts, there's losing a friend, there's moving away, there's the-nights-where-you-just-can't-care, and so much more. 

Something I struggle to do, is recalling good memories. I'm not the only one who struggles to do so. Hell if everyone was good at remembering good memories, then we wouldn't have much depression in this world. But sadly, there's no such thing as everyone being good at the same thing. Anyway, I feel like I'm getting way too deep into this. So let me really start to tell you some juicy memories.

The oldest good memory I can thing of that made me happy, is being at my step-dad's mother's house. We call her Grammy Karen. I'm not as close to her as my mother's mother, who we call Honey (we get that from when my brother, Christian would always call her that when he was a child. He's actually the oldest and currently is living on his own). Any-who, at Grammy's house, I remember rolling along the carpet, laughing very hard as my siblings did the same. I remember my Uncle George staring at me, then starting to laugh as he wonders what the heck I'm even doing. I don't even know what I was doing. I just knew I was having fun, and was laughing very hard. It may have not been a very big memory, but it was nice, perhaps even cheerful. 

But my life isn't always cheerful. It's not always rolling up and down a carpet. That's not how my story goes. My oldest bad memory was in 6th grade. 6th grade was the worst year on my life. Everyone refused to acknowledge my existence. Everyone called me a freak, tried to start a fight with me, and called me a pussy when I wouldn't fight. I've never been taught how to fight. I never thought I would need to. Maybe I'll learn to fight soon, but I really don't want to. I never liked hurting people. 

6th Grade has so many bad memories, that 6th grade itself is a bad memory. I've never been more miserable then my time there .The school's name is "Oak Manor Sixth Grade Center". The school itself just sounds like some old business man played "Fill-In-The-Blanks". The only thing even particularly good about that school, is the librarian/computer-lab teacher Mrs.Smith. She was an black woman that always seemed to be very jolly. I swear, that woman had my back like John Watson has Sherlock Holmes. She would pay-off my late fees from not turning a book back in from the library. And when I would turn my book back in, I'd get money from the overdue book. I seriously love that woman so much. 

Anyway, those are just old old memories. You're probably "dying" to know more of what's happening now. So I guess I'll just re-cap most of the important things since the beginning on this school year (my high school sophomore year). But be warned, this year may not be as miserable as 6th Grade, but it's definitely way more depressing.... Seriously. 

The start of this school year was pretty chill, actually. I just really stuck to my school work at the start, since I was trying to start a new after I stopped being friends with the bad kind of people. I just pretty much tried to balance my social life with my education, which is the one task I don't think any high school teenager can accomplish (and if you have please leave me your number so you can teach me your dark-magic). But I seriously was pretty set, actually. I had a good start. Nothing could screw it all up, right? 

Wrong. 

Remember how I said video-games pretty much started to die out for me? Well there's a good reason behind it. I used to play Overwatch a bunch, and loved to meet new people. I then joined a lobby that was in the community servers. That's where I met someone who has changed me. Her name was Sydney. I can't reveal her full name for obvious reasons. But just know, she has the sweetest voice ever. At first, she was shy to even talk to me. I was joking around the game chat saying jokes about how the game was kinda trash but also pretty good because of meeting new people. She started to message me, and I started to talk back in game. We were so happy then. Very happy, in fact. After the game, we gave each other our Snapchat's. We talked on Snapchat for a good two days before we chose to become something more than just friends who flirted with each other. Before we started to actually date, we did talk about sexual things over texts and the phone. But that's not why I loved her so much. I loved her so much before how much she actual loved me. She told me that she needed me. I remember one day we got into a bad argument and said "Maybe we should just stop, I guess". Then she just pleaded for me not to go. I've never been told to stay... So this really got to me. One night, she called me just saying "I love you" over and over and over again, sobbing. That memory haunts me to this day. I remember going to take a shower, screaming and crying. I couldn't believe she actually loved me...

I can't explain how we actually ended... Because I don't even bother trying to remember what broke us. I only remember what bonded us. Maybe one day I'll find someone like her that will love me. Love me exactly like she did... Like how Sydney did.... Damn...

~Goodnight, Moonlight~

Jesse Jackson