Insubstantially Me

Chapter 5

"You may as well get rid of that, because I'm not touching it." I nodded at the tray of food on the table.

The guard assigned to watch me, stood five feet away, looking ready to wrestle the plastic spork from my hand at a moment's notice. Honestly, how were people even supposed to eat with those things? And did Wescott really expect me to do something as unimaginative and painful as stabbing myself with a fork? Besides, I wasn't inclined to do something so obvious.

Wescott hadn't wasted any time putting me on suicide watch. By the time I got back to my room, every hard surface that I could potentially hit my head on, was now padded. The bathroom door already didn't lock, but now I couldn't plug the drain in either the tub or the sink, and any time I was in there, I would be accompanied by a female guard. The fact that I would have company in the bathroom, certainly wasn't an incentive to start eating.

At the moment, it happened to be Maggie, a girl with dark hair that was pulled into a pony tail. Despite being equipped with one of those remotes, she looked terrified of me

The other guard didn't move after my comment. Apparently, he was prepared to wait a while. Well, fine. Let him wait. I crossed my arms and slouched down in the chair.

"It's okay, Ralph." Wescott's voice came through the speaker in the ceiling. "Take the food away."

I looked around for the camera that was obviously hidden somewhere. Maybe the smoke detector doubled as a camera...

"You will not be allowed to be difficult after today, Abi," Wescott addressed me.

I attempted to look as bored as possible and wasn't the least bit convinced. He'd have to put the feeding tube in me. And then he'd have to keep it there. I certainly wasn't going to sit still for it.

"I suggest you take a shower now," Wescott continued as Ralph cleared the food away.

"Sorry," I said. "I'm not in the habit of showering with an audience." Let them deal with my bad hygiene too.

Wescott sighed over the speaker, but otherwise didn't comment. Good, I hoped I was frustrating him.

I sat stubbornly in the chair for a while, fighting depression again. Sure, it was fun to thwart Wescott where I could, but it was a small consolation to being held prisoner.

Without warning, the lights went out. A small night light glowed in the bathroom, but other than that, it was completely dark.

"You've got to be kidding me," I mumbled. "Lights out?" I asked incredulous.

"Lights out will be every night at eleven." Wescott's voice came through the speaker again. "I did tell you to take your shower earlier. You will need to be well rested for tomorrow."

I shrugged and didn't make a move to get up.

"I will give you a sedative, if necessary," he threatened.

I glared into the darkness for a minute before deciding to give in. At least sleep would be an escape from this nightmare. I was pretty exhausted too.

"Fine," I said, going over to the bed.

"You'll find pajamas in the dresser," he said.

Flopping down on the bed, I ignored him. I got comfortable and proceeded to lie there completely wide awake. After what must have been a few hours, Maggie was replaced by someone else and I was no closer to sleep than I'd been before. My mind wouldn't shut down. I kept trying to think of possibilities for escape and I was coming up with nothing. I was going to be watched literally all the time.

The fact that they thought I needed a person to guard me in the bathroom told me there wasn't a camera in there. So at least I'd have a little privacy once I got rid of that. Not much considering that the door still didn't lock, but it was something.

Other than that, I was going to be monitored twenty-four seven. There was exactly one way out of my room and I had no control over it. When I was allowed to leave, I'd be heavily guarded. Even if I somehow managed to get away, my trip to the lab earlier let me know there were plenty more people and secure doors to get passed. Not to mention the remotes everyone would have.

I'd never felt so utterly hopeless before. I didn't like the feeling. Wescott had been right to say I was an optimist. I always looked for that bright spot. Even in the most depressing of books, I could always find something to hope for.

My life hadn't been ideal before now. I'd never had many friends and no boyfriends. I just didn't connect easily to people. Growing up, I'd always been the smart kid. At first I'd been teased, but once the other kids learned that I could beat them up, they pretty much left me alone.

I didn't get many genuine offers of friendship either. Partly because I was, admittedly, not that friendly most of the time. I didn't have patience for the whole high school drama thing. I didn't care about gossip and, quite frankly, most of them were down right whiny. I craved more school work while other kids griped about the bare minimum we were actually required to do.

Yes, I know I'm a nerd.

Any interest I had in boys, was generally just admiration for their looks. I hadn't met many that held my attention for very long. The ones I seemed to attract were either only interested in getting physical, not all that bright, or highly immature. Or all three. Which, again, I had no patience for.

The only boy I ever would have considered more than just cute, was Daniel Quincy from college. He was a mechanical engineering major who was taller than me, with dark hair and baby blue eyes. He played the piano and hated tomatoes. In other words, he was the perfect guy for me. Or so I thought at the time.

We had exactly two dates before he found out I was a pre-med major in addition to my mechanical engineering major and that I had a perfect 4.0.

He was not a double major and did not have a 4.0.

Apparently, he didn't like the idea of me being smarter than him because after he found that out, he hardly spoke to me and then started dating some other girl.

I basically gave up on guys after that. I still thought I had plenty of time to fall in love. If there was such a thing.

But I always had that hope in the back of my mind that one day my life would come together. I'd know exactly what I wanted to do instead of jumping from one job that bored me to the next. I'd have that perfect guy to love, or at least like a whole lot and be able to trust, and I'd be completely happy. No matter how unlikely that all seemed as I got older, I'd always been able to see things changing somehow. I had hope.

Now I had no hope. I couldn't think of a single way to even get free of this room, let alone the building. I was living in a nightmare with no hope of waking up.

I struggled to keep from crying as I lay there, staring at the ceiling. I did not cry and I was certainly not going to give Wescott the satisfaction of seeing it happen now. But deep down I just wanted to curl in a ball and sob. For the first time in a very very long time, I wanted my mother. Now I regretted pushing away from her coddling so much as I was growing up. I'd never been that cuddly little kid. I was always independent. I didn't want my mom holding my hand when something was hard. I wanted to do it myself.

Until now. Now when it was too late.

What I wouldn't give for one of her hugs right now and to be able to tell her I loved her.