HOW TO DISAPPEAR

:(

The wearer of the yin-yang Converse says, "You okay in there?" "Fine!" I called out. Too loud. Why am I shouting? "You sure?" The girl says. "Yes," I whisper. Too quiet now. I sound like a freak. I wasn't always this bad, or maybe I was and didn't realize it until Jenna left. It's like walking on a balance beam while someone's holding your hand and you're perfectly fine until they suddenly let go and you can't move. The girl in red Converse hesitates before pivoting and heading out. I wipe my mouth with toilet paper and flush again. It's too late to get to class on time, so I take a disinfecting wipe from my backpack  (I always have a supply on hand) and clean the toilet seat where I'll be spending the next period. The bell hasn't rung yet, but it will any second, and the thought of rushing into class after the bell makes me want to hurl again. Being late for class is very high on my list of stupid everyday stuff that now terrifies me, aka the Terror List. It's a mental list I've been keeping since the beginning of the year. I add to it whenever something makes me nervous or embarrassed or want to disappear. The list is long enough now that it's become a sort of game for me to remember everything on it, like trying to name all fifty states. It includes:
     Starting conversations
     Walking into class late
     Making eye contact
     Assigned seating
     Having to choose my own seat
     Saying something stupid
     Getting called in class
     Finishing a test first
     Finishing a test last
     Group projects
     Individual presentations
     The cafeteria
     Eating in front of people
     Gym class
     Sneezing in public
I can now add "Catching drumsticks" to the list. Also, "Not catching drumsticks." Either way, that was going to be humiliating.