HOW TO DISAPPEAR

idk

Fianlly:

Okay, that was actually awesome and hilarious.
Are you high?
No, I'm serious. Adrian probably thinks you're funny, as in FUN.
I don't think so.
You caught his drumsticks! That's so cool.
I told him to GO FORTH AND PROSPER.
I know! Brilliant.
Are you kidding me?
Im serious. You're so funny!

She assures me it was funny in a good way, as in clever and witty. Not funny in an everyone-is-laughging-at-you way. I am not convinced. Sometimes I don't think she realizes how hard it is for me to do all the talking for myself, to step into her shoes. The shoes I no longer tie for her. But she coaxes me down from the ledge of "I suck" until I am standing on the slightly more solid ground of "maybe it's not as bad as I think". Even better, she takes my mind off my own troubles by drawing me in to her world, which is way more interesting than mine.

These kids in the back of the bus keep looking at me.
Boy kids or girl kids?
One guy. Two girls.
Looking at you how? Good or bad?
Not sure.

We monitor the situation for a few more minutes. The guy is cute, she says, and possibly flirting. The girls are cute, too. Also possibly flirting. I advise her to slide lower in her seat so they can't see her, but mostly so I can have her to myself. I keep texting her as long as I can, until I am off the bus and in my house and sitting at the kitchen counter, drinking the fruit smoothie my mother made for me. Finally, Jenna texts that she has to go. I reply with a sad-face emoji. She sends a kissy-heart-winky face. I unicorn-birthday-cake-thumps-up her back. It's silly, but we've been doing it since we got our first phones when we were twelve. She ends as we always do, with the yin-yang symbol. And in that moment, all is right with my world. It's as if she's there next to my balance beam again, holding my hand to make sure I don't fall.