Living with BPD

A BPD Breakup

It was 4 months ago. I thought he loved me so I told him to find a job or it's not working out. I thought he just needed a bit of motivation but i was wrong. It was all downhill from there. I became depressed, stopped eating, dropped about 20 pounds. And then I swallowed a bunch of pills and was admitted to inpatient for suicide attempt. Upon release I had to change my meds due to side effects and I've been struggling since.

I still want him back every minute of everyday. My brain won't just let him go. He was my everything. He made me happy when nothing else could. And now nothing makes me happy, and it feels like nothing ever will.

A breakup makes you feel worthless. Like you've done something horribly wrong. He says it's because he doesn't want to date at all, but you can't help but think it's because you're so ill. So fucked up that no one could ever love you longer than a couple months. The pain comes back everyday. It feels like your chest is tightening every second of everyday. The thoughts play back over an over. You could have avoided this. You are not good enough. He never loved you. And they never stop. They just repeat everyday. I just want him back everyday. 

I try to move on but something won't let me. Something tell me I'm meant to be with him. It's this illness. I smoke to relieve it. I try to move on. I try to be open to new people but nothing ever works for long. It's a vicious cycle that I don't know how to control. Maybe therapy will help, maybe I just need time. He's so bad for me but I can't help but love him with all my heart. People don't know the pain I go through to love someone. It's like constant tsunamis of emotion that destroys all the stability left everytime it comes through. And every time I recover it just comes to destroy me all over again.

This isn't your average breakup. It feels like it destroyed my life. It's been 4 months and there's no sign of progress. Some people would be over their ex by now. Some cut them out of their lives or choose to stay friends but it's usually worked out by now. Me? I still love him like the first time I said I love you. I still care immensely about everything he does. I feel so controlling and manipulative. But is it really manipulative if you can't get your way. Or is it just trying. As I write these word only some relief comes to the situation. 

I just want to be normal. Have normal relationships and normal breakups and handle thigs like a normal person. But I can't. All my emotions come in extremes. Everything in life is black or white. Good or bad, love or hate, And there's never any in between any pro will tell you borderlines have no grey area. And we never will no matter how hard we try to make sense of things it never works. 

And the worst pat is no one is ever going to read this. And no one is ever going to care.