Destiny Is Demise

Lost In This God Damned Bubble

I hate this why oh bloody why? Out of everyone it's me. Out of all the people in the world who's done so many things wrong, why me? yeah sure I killed myself but hey people do it every day. It's something you read about all the time. I suppose I deserve this torture with the hurt I did to every one around me and even people I had never met before in my life. What had I done? Anyway I'm going to tell you about what it's like for me to be in this bubble.

I walk for years still never reaching the end. Making myself doubt that there is an end. I bloody hope there is, but it's come to the point where 18 years later I have major doubts. Not just in myself but in others. They surely understand why I did this. Why couldn't they forgive me after all these years? It brings a burden upon me to think nobody will forgive. The day that I reach the end of this place is the day I rest in peace, which of course will never become. I have hope but that hope becomes less and less each day.

I feel a burn in my heart a few times each day. I have come to work out that every time that happens is when somebody insults me or makes my hope weaker. But when i feel as if I'm floating that is when someone forgives me of happily sings along to my bands music. But that usually quickly gets cancelled out by negative thoughts. If I had so many when I was alive I'd probably be in the same position but with little more comfort as I would of had reasons to doing such things.

Sure my life wasn't the best but thinking back I could have fixed it. Weather it needed a few tweaks or sewing back together I was sure I could have maintained it. If only. If bloody only. If only I could undo time make the most of my precious life and my daughters. But I can't. I'm stuck. Lost in my own thoughts to why I did it. It was so long ago that I can even remember. Maybe I was high. Maybe drunk. I don't know anymore, but people do who were there and who read reports. It's not that easy for me.

Please someone, anyone save me. I don't care who you are just please. Fan's don't even come by my grave anymore. Well they haven't for years. Ha its that sad that I'm having to laugh to stop myself from crying. What is wrong with me? I need to hold myself together. Come on Kurt you shall not give in. You have come so far already you can not give in. I suppose these words helped for a bit but then soon I remembered everything. Sleep wasn't possible not while I wasn't alive nor dead. If it was I could be taken away by my fantasies. Haha in my dreams.

As I was kinda a ghost sorta thing food wasn't possible but I had some randomly next to my bed on an old oak dresser. My belongings all on the floor. Pictures, memories, lots of forgotten memories. Who knows if I'd still be alive now anyway. I wanted to know what my purpose here was, because I wasn't here for nothing I knew that. God knew that. Satan knew that. I wasn't sure which I belonged to heaven or hell but i'm sure one day I will find out. Well at least I hope one day I will find out. I can't wait 'till I properly die. It will make me at rest. Most importantly my family at rest.