Brew Books 2

Chapter 10

The Uber across town takes too long, and I feel anxious the whole way. I have never felt like this during a night out, because usually getting drunk makes me happy and completely erases any anxiety I have. But clearly whatever it was that Charlotte dished out tonight had an adverse affect on me, and I hated it. I never want to feel like that again when I'm supposed to be having fun.

The driver drops me on Uxbridge road, and I get out of the taxi in front of the beautiful forest green Brew Books storefront. I glance up at the flats above, and I'm surprised to see Harper sitting on the windowsill of our flat, smoking.

He raises a lazy arm in greeting, and I return his nonchalant wave, while feeling the complete opposite of nonchalant.

I unlock the door and walk up the stairs, then unlock the door to our flat. Harper is still sitting in the bay window, his legs outside, a cigarette held loosely in his hand. His long hair is loose and tousled around his face, and he's wearing grey tracksuit bottoms and a black t-shirt.

'You're smoking,' I accuse him. All thoughts of my panic attack disappear from my mind.

'Busted,' Harper says, taking another drag. 'What are you doing home?'

I cross the room and join him on the windowsill - which takes a bit of maneuvering - and then take a deep breath as I look out at the sky.

'I did some coke with the girls, but it made me feel really horrible, and I didn't want to stay out,' I say. 'Look.' I hold up my hand to Harper, to show him that it's shaking.

'Here,' Harper says, and he holds his cigarette out to me.

'No thanks,' I say.

'It'll calm you down,' he tells me.

I frown at him.

'Seriously,' he says. 'One drag isn't going to kill you.'

I scowl, and snatch the cigarette off him. I take a breath, but Harper just rolls his eyes at me.

'You've got to get it into your lungs,' he tells me.

'I was!' I say.

'No you weren't,' he says. 'You just sucked it into your mouth. Try again. Really focus on inhaling into your lungs.'

I try to do as he says, but I end up coughing.

Harper laughs. 'Okay, nevermind,' he says. 'It's probably a good thing, anyway.'

'What are you doing up?' I ask him, handing the cigarette back to him.

'Couldn't sleep,' Harper says.

'Does that happen often?' I ask.

Harper shrugs. 'Often enough. If I've got something important happening, like a big football tournament, like I do tomorrow.'

I revel in that feeling of realising that someone other than me has worries. It's always comforting to know I'm not the only one that ever experiences anxiety over life.

'I don't know why I panicked so much tonight,' I tell him honestly. 'The others were fine. I don't know why I'm always so freaked out by things. I guess I'm just not particularly tough.'

'Or you just think too much,' Harper suggests. 'I like to think that's why I'm freaked out by things. Nothing to do with toughness, or bravery.'

I sigh, and stare up at the sky. Even at 2am, the sky in London is never black. It's tinged with orange from all the lights below, and it's impossible to see the stars. 'I'm scared I'm going to end up like my mum, I think.'

Harper doesn't respond, so I glance at him, to see he's watching me closely. Eventually he says, 'Why do you say that?'

'Because she was mentally ill, and I could be too,' I say. 'Because she was so concerned with her image, so when dad broke up with her and married her best friend she went crazy and killed herself.'

'Jane,' Harper says.

'I know, it's stupid.'

'No, it's not stupid,' Harper says. 'I think sometimes you don't realise just how fucked up your family is. You pretend everything's fine, but you went through something pretty horrible, and it's natural that you don't feel okay.'

I inhale, and exhale, trying to express some of the physical symptoms of the anxiety from my body.

'You put up such a good facade,' Harper tells me. 'When I first met you I thought you were just this regular - well, not regular, very hot - girl, and that you were cool, and smart, and most of all, really chill. And then I found out about your mum, and even what happened with your ex, and I was amazed. Amazed that you still manage to put on a brave face every day.'

I roll my eyes. 'You guys did the same,' I say. 'You put on a brave face every day after Matt died.'

'We all loved Matt,' Harper says. 'And yeah, Matt is Ed's brother. But you lost your mum. That's horrible.'

'What's your mum like?' I ask him, wanting to change the subject.

'She's an English teacher,' Harper says. 'She's tough. She works in a secondary school in south London, so you know she's tough as nails. And she's obsessed with Pride and Prejudice. She's got this weird Mr. Darcy obsession.'

I laugh out loud, and Harper smiles. He stubs the cigarette on the windowsill, and then throws the butt into the garden below.

'And she absolutely spoils my little brother, but she's always finding a reason to be angry at me,' Harper says. 'I know it's just because she wants me to do better. But I can't help but feel a little jealous of my brother.'

'What's your brother's name?'

'Tom. He's already at uni. He's studying economics or something. Mum's favourite.'

'Surely she must be proud of you for studying English literature and French,' I say. 'Seeing as she's an English teacher.'

Harper scoffs. 'No, because she's worried I'm going to end up like her, a teacher. And she doesn't want that for me. She wants more.'

'There's nothing wrong with being a teacher,' I say. 'Or a bartender.'

'As long as I'm not a plumber, like my dad, I'll be happy,' Harper says. 'That's all I ask for in life.'

'Shoot for the stars, Harper.'

'I'm already there,' Harper says, and he reaches out and grabs my hand. 'I've already found them.'

I stare at him, and he grins one of his big, face-splitting grins at me, and then he says, 'Alright, I'm going to bed. Sleep tight, Jane.'

He swings his legs inside, and takes the stairs up to his attic room two at a time. I stay sitting on the windowsill, looking up at the starless night.

• Author's Note •

Nawww, cute Jane & Harper scenes

sorry to all the Jedgar shippers out there...

xx Elle